Drink 194: Malibu's Least Wanted

If you are like me you spend most of your time studying Kanye West lyrics. I was recently analyzing his song Monster (with guest vocalists Bon Iver, Rick Ross, Jay-Z, and Nicki Minaj – I’m a little disappointed I wasn’t asked to drop a few rhymes, too) and couldn’t help but notice this line:

Garnish with pâté 

Mix the Goose and Malibu and call it Malibooya

A drink recipe!  Since Kanye likes it we figured it must be good. The die was cast.  We had to try out this Malibooya (or is it Malibu-ja?).   Unfortunately Kanye left the rest of the recipe as an exercise for the listener.  Therefore we had to make some educated guesses about the proportions, serving vessel, and preparation techniques.  Would it have killed him to add some details?

Mix the Goose and Malibu and call it Malibooya

One ounce of each in a chilled shot glass’ll do ya

There, was that so hard?  Maybe he was too busy lining up 13 additional artists to feature on his next track to think about the predicament of the mixologist MC. 

We had to assume that by “Goose”, Mr. West is talking about Grey Goose, although with his high end tastes, there is a reasonable chance he meant pâté de foie gras.  I don’t believe in force feeding most fowl, so we’ll stick with the vodka.  I don’t know if Kanye is aware that Grey Goose is only the third best tasting vodka in the world. Maybe I will send him a tweet. 

The only Grey Goose currently on hand at the Estate is Grey Goose L’Orange so that is what we used.  Since we aren’t allowed to keep Malibu in the house, we had to run to the local ABC store and pick up a mini-bottle.  They only had Malibu Black which has higher proof and less sweetness than regular Malibu but we figured that would be okay.

Tom Brady added for scale

Before we get to the drink, we have to address something about Malibu Rum.  When I say “rum” what country do you think of?  Jamaica? Puerto Rico? (not a country, BTW) Cuba?   What about Malibu? That one is easy: California (also  not a country).  When you see palm trees on a bottle you probably think of someplace tropical.  Well, if you are drinking Malibu Rum, you should be thinking only one thing: “Canada”.  That’s right; Malibu Rum is a product of Canada. Wait, what?  Just another in the long line of products exposed by the TBIAW iTeam.

It also appears the Canucks want to buy New York

If you zoom way in
on the "palm" trees
on the bottle, this is
what you'll find

We put that troubling piece of info out of our minds and prepared the drink.  We decided to go with even proportions of Goose and Malibu and treat it as a shooter.  Mrs. Bottle thought it was like drinking suntan lotion with an SPF rating of gross.  She said it was slightly better if you drink it quickly because you only got the suntan lotion taste at the end.  I agreed that it was bad.  The coconut and orange flavors did not make a good combination, and it was kind of ugly, too. A more appropriate name for the drink would be the Malibutthole.  Which would be worth a minimum of 23 points  in Words With Friends.  

Mrs. Bottle after trying the Malibooya
(Artist's Rendition)

Maybe we made a mistake with the proportions.  Maybe it would be better with regular Malibu.  It is possible the problem was the orange-flavored vodka.  Perhaps we were supposed to use pâté after all. I guess we'll never know.  I can leave you with these words from Kanye, though:

I'm trippin', this drink got me sayin' a lot

Overall Rating for the Malibooya

Taste: 1

Presentation: 2

Ease of Preparation: 4

Drinks Until Blackout: 3 – 38% Alcohol

Ingredients

1 oz Goose

1 oz Malibu

Shootout at the vOdKa Corral

Absolut Suckers?

Welcome to The Bottle is a Wonderland’s first ever taste test, the Vodka Shootout.  Over the years we have tried a lot of different vodkas. We’d like to think that our purchases are based on quality, but in reality they are often driven by price and marketing.  In this case the price has an inverse effect on our purchasing decisions.  If a bottle costs twice as much, it must be better, right?  Additionally, the packaging can be surprisingly effective. Ooh, that bottle is pretty, let’s buy it!

Even at the luxe Bottle Wonderland Estate we like to mind our expenses.  Are we spending too much for vodka?  Would an $18 bottle of vodka be just as satisfying as a $30 one?  We are going to find out.  Our bar is currently stocked with four different unflavored vodkas so we are going to compare them head to head.  Three of them are “top shelf” and one is a mid-range offering.  We don’t have any low-end ones on hand so they will have to wait for another day.

Let’s meet the contenders:

Grey Goose – Grey Goose is a product of France and it is distilled from wheat.  It is Mrs. Bottle’s go-to vodka.  Our bar is chock full of different flavors of Grey Goose, but we don’t necessarily stock up on their plain vodka.  Mrs. Bottle is very picky about the flavored varieties, but is less so when it comes to unflavored.  Still, Grey Goose is the favored competitor. We have already covered the fact that this vodka has a finish that is “long lasting and satisfying with flavors reminiscent of a fine almond paste.”  According to their web site it also has a “soft, gently and full-balanced” palate and a “clear, fresh and elegant” aroma. I am looking forward to having the elegant aroma wafting through the estate.  I imagine it will smell like a combination of Helen Mirren, Daniel Craig, and potpourri.

Ketel One – Ketel One is made in Holland and is also distilled from wheat.  According to their web site it is under construction.  Oh, the web site is under construction.  That is something I’m a little surprised to see in 2011. At least they didn’t have some cutesy animated graphic.  Their site directs you to a different site which directs you back to the under construction site. No matter how many times I went back and forth I didn’t learn anything about their vodka. They do have a Facebook page, though (so do we!), and according to that their vodka has a smooth, velvety taste that shares the depth and character of those who enjoy it.   So if you are a shallow ass, it probably won’t taste that good.

Chopin – Chopin vodka is distilled from potatoes in Poland.  Their web site claims that it is the “original luxury potato vodka” and that 7 pounds of potatoes are used in every bottle.  That is quite a feat in an airplane bottle.  Its taste profile “features a round, full character and a crisp, clean finish with a hint of green apple in the nose”.  On another page it says that it has a creamy palate and subtle, pleasing sweetness. It is distilled four times.  Grey Goose is distilled five times and I bet those Grey Goose jerks are always throwing that in Chopin’s face at cocktail parties.  Chopin also “encourage[s] you to conduct a personal taste test.” Challenge accepted!

Happy – Happy vodka is a Russian vodka distilled from neutral grain. I would have expected neutral grain to come from Switzerland, not Russia.  Go figure.  Similar to the Chopin, it is four times distilled.  According to them “it’s smooth and light taste is not traditional of Russian vodkas and will bide well with most any drinkers pallet.”  I hope they know more about vodka than they do about apostrophes. Maybe someone will ship them a palate of grammar books.  We have had this bottle of vodka for a while so I hope it isn’t sad that we don’t drink it. If memory serves, Mrs. Bottle bought it solely because she thought the bottle was cute. That is the same reason she picked me as her mate.  It costs a lot less than the other three, so it is the long shot in this race.

The taste test was set up in a double-blind format so neither Mrs. Bottle nor I knew which vodka we were tasting.  We conducted two rounds of tastings to see if our results were consistent.  We tasted the vodkas from four identical glasses and then individually ranked them from favorite to least favorite. 

Round 1 Glasses

In the first round, Mrs. Bottle had the following ranking:

1. Grey Goose

2. Happy

3. Chopin

4. Ketel One

I had:

1. Happy

2. Chopin

3. Grey Goose

4. Ketel One

After that round we both agreed that Ketel One was far and away the least pleasing to us and it really wasn’t that close.  It had no flavor other than burning. Mrs. Bottle thought the Grey Goose had a bit of fruity flavor. I couldn’t detect that but I did think it had something that separated it from the Chopin and the Happy.  I thought it tasted slightly worse, but she thought it tasted better.  To me, the Happy and Chopin were similar enough that I wasn’t sure if I would be able to distinguish them in round two.

Before going to round two, we took a break to rest our palates.  Tasting four vodkas straight definitely takes a toll. One friend predicted that all the vodkas would taste like rubbing alcohol and he wasn’t that far off.  I wouldn’t call any of them delicious.  The primary taste of each was just alcohol. 

Mrs. Bottle felt that her palate was fouled prior to round two and she wasn’t sure if she would be able to accurately rank them again.  Round one also left her feeling a little woozy, not because of the volume of vodka, but because of the harshness.  Regardless, we soldiered on.



Round 2 Glasses



Mrs. Bottle had the following rankings for round two:

1. Happy

2. Chopin

3. Ketel One

4. Grey Goose

I had:

1. Happy

2. Chopin

3. Grey Goose

4. Ketel One

The biggest shock here was that Mrs. Bottle ended up having Grey Goose plummeting from first to worst. This is likely due to her diminished oral state.  The second biggest shock was that I had ranked them exactly the same in both rounds. 

I tried smelling each one as well but I did not smell elegance or apples.  I also didn’t taste almond paste.  Admittedly, while I may occasionally use words like “nose” and “finish” my palate is not that sophisticated.  Those flavors may well be there if you are a vodka connoisseur.  I am a vodka everyman. You can bet that if I can detect a smell or flavor that most anybody else can as well.   You’ll never hear me say something along the lines of “this spirit is gutsy and truly captures the soul of the countryside.” 

	Mrs. Bottle		Mr. Bottle
	Round 1	Round 2	Round 1	Round 2	Average
Happy	2	1	1	1	1.25
Chopin	3	2	2	2	2.25
Grey Goose	1	4	3	3	2.75
Ketel One	4	3	4	4	3.75

Averaging our four rankings, the big winner is Happy Vodka.  The loser is Ketel One.  Maybe I didn’t have enough depth and character to appreciate the Ketel One? The good news is that Happy is the cheapest of the bunch. The bad news is that I don’t even know if they still make the stuff.  If we can find more of it, I told Mrs. Bottle that we could keep a Chopin bottle and just pour the Happy into it and our friends would never know the difference.  It’s the same trick we use when we tell them we are giving them fresh roasted coffee but we’ve secretly replaced it with Folger’s Crystals.



It will take someone strong to punch out Happy



There are many more vodkas to test.  In the past we have had Absolut, Belvedere, and Pinnacle.  One person has suggested Hangar One, which we have never tried. It would also be interesting to throw in an el-cheapo brand like Popov or Aristocrat to see how it fares. We will have more tests down the road as soon as our taste buds recover from this one. Until next time, don’t worry, buy Happy.

Day 34: French Connection

Hot Stuff Indeed

I’ve learned pretty much everything I know about interacting with people from movies and television.  Don’t misread me, I have a fancy book-learnin’ education, too, but it hasn’t done me as much good in understanding the world around me as Hollywood has.  There is no way that organic chemistry taught me as much about attraction as Hugh Grant’s oeuvre.  The only place my media education has let me down is adult films.  You would be surprised at how little those apply in daily life.

One thing I have learned is that you can’t spell romance without France.  You can’t spell fromance without France either, but that is hardly relevant.  I have never been to France, but as frequently as it comes up in romantic movies I know that it must have something to offer in this regard.  It seems like Paris is the place to be.  From Ronin to the Bourne Identity, the City of Light leads to love as long you are not killed by a car chase or an assassin.  Just calling something French gives it a certain cachet and sets the mood.  Thus we present the French Martini, the second drink in Romance Week.

Now Super Romantic

The French Martini is vodka and black raspberry liqueur, making it a duo. The most famous black raspberry liqueur is Chambord. Chambord is a product of France and that is what gives the French Martini its name.  We made our French Martini using Chateau Monet Liqueur Framboise, which is a product of Maine.  At least it has a French sounding name and a fleur-de-lis on the bottle.  We did use Grey Goose French vodka, so we still could legitimately call it a French Martini.   The drink is quite good.  The black raspberry and vodka create a smooth tasting and nice looking cocktail.  I detected a little bit of an off-note in the finish, but I am attributing that to the 10 year old off-brand liqueur. Frugality is a key weapon in the romantic arsenal.

This drink does well in the romance department.  It is a martini and martini = class. It tastes good, which is better than tasting bad.  It has 30% alcohol. It is French.  This will help you in most cases, but in some circles call it a Freedom Martini just to be safe.


Overall Rating for the French Martini

Taste: 4
Presentation: 4
Ease of Preparation: 4
Drinks Until Blackout: 4
Romance Score: 5

Ingredients

1.5 oz Vodka
1 oz Black Raspberry Liqueur

Day 6: We Saw A Puddy Tat

A little over a week ago, Mrs. Bottle and I had to say goodbye to our cat after over 14 years.  It was a very difficult decision and we are both still grieving.  To try to ease our loss, we decided to have a pseudo Irish wake and think about all of our good memories of him.

Since an Irish wake includes drinking and we are both sticklers for protocol, we had to have a drink (or two) while we reminisced.  In our cat’s honor we decided that our drink would be the Pink Pussy Cat, a mixture of vodka, pineapple juice, and grenadine. 

As I sipped the drink I could smell the pineapple juice but I tasted mostly vodka.  Mrs. Bottle felt there was a strong pineapple flavor and pointed out that vodka mixes so well because it doesn’t really have much flavor.  I then asked her why, if vodka has no flavor, we bought expensive vodkas like Grey Goose instead of cheaper alternatives.  “Only Grey Goose doesn’t have much flavor, the other ones taste bad” she explained.  It was now becoming as clear to me as a top-shelf vodka.

On the Grey Goose web site, they claim that their original does have some flavor including a finish that is “long lasting and satisfying with flavors reminiscent of a fine almond paste.”  I know that nothing gets my mouth watering like a fine almond paste.  Yum! I’m getting hungry just writing about it. Do you know what else has a finish like a fine almond paste?  Cyanide. 

 Mrs. Bottle was also excited when I pointed out that the pink hue of the drink matched her sweater.  This set her mind racing with other ways she could accessorize her clothes with drinks. Or would that be accessorizing her drinks with her clothes?  Either way, she is now really looking forward to wearing a green top and enjoying a crème de menthe frappe at some point down the road.

With a name like Pink Pussy Cat and its fabulous pink hue, this probably isn’t a drink I would order at the local pub.  In the privacy of my own home, however, I would definitely drink it again.  But only if I can wear something pink.

Ratings on a 10-point scale:

Taste: 8

Ease of Preparation: 9

Presentation: 7 if you are a woman, 1 if you are a man

Drinks until blackout: 10 – At only 10% alcohol content it would take a lot of these.