Shootout at the vOdKa Corral

Absolut Suckers?

Welcome to The Bottle is a Wonderland’s first ever taste test, the Vodka Shootout.  Over the years we have tried a lot of different vodkas. We’d like to think that our purchases are based on quality, but in reality they are often driven by price and marketing.  In this case the price has an inverse effect on our purchasing decisions.  If a bottle costs twice as much, it must be better, right?  Additionally, the packaging can be surprisingly effective. Ooh, that bottle is pretty, let’s buy it!

Even at the luxe Bottle Wonderland Estate we like to mind our expenses.  Are we spending too much for vodka?  Would an $18 bottle of vodka be just as satisfying as a $30 one?  We are going to find out.  Our bar is currently stocked with four different unflavored vodkas so we are going to compare them head to head.  Three of them are “top shelf” and one is a mid-range offering.  We don’t have any low-end ones on hand so they will have to wait for another day.

Let’s meet the contenders:

Grey Goose – Grey Goose is a product of France and it is distilled from wheat.  It is Mrs. Bottle’s go-to vodka.  Our bar is chock full of different flavors of Grey Goose, but we don’t necessarily stock up on their plain vodka.  Mrs. Bottle is very picky about the flavored varieties, but is less so when it comes to unflavored.  Still, Grey Goose is the favored competitor. We have already covered the fact that this vodka has a finish that is “long lasting and satisfying with flavors reminiscent of a fine almond paste.”  According to their web site it also has a “soft, gently and full-balanced” palate and a “clear, fresh and elegant” aroma. I am looking forward to having the elegant aroma wafting through the estate.  I imagine it will smell like a combination of Helen Mirren, Daniel Craig, and potpourri.

Ketel One – Ketel One is made in Holland and is also distilled from wheat.  According to their web site it is under construction.  Oh, the web site is under construction.  That is something I’m a little surprised to see in 2011. At least they didn’t have some cutesy animated graphic.  Their site directs you to a different site which directs you back to the under construction site. No matter how many times I went back and forth I didn’t learn anything about their vodka. They do have a Facebook page, though (so do we!), and according to that their vodka has a smooth, velvety taste that shares the depth and character of those who enjoy it.   So if you are a shallow ass, it probably won’t taste that good.

Chopin – Chopin vodka is distilled from potatoes in Poland.  Their web site claims that it is the “original luxury potato vodka” and that 7 pounds of potatoes are used in every bottle.  That is quite a feat in an airplane bottle.  Its taste profile “features a round, full character and a crisp, clean finish with a hint of green apple in the nose”.  On another page it says that it has a creamy palate and subtle, pleasing sweetness. It is distilled four times.  Grey Goose is distilled five times and I bet those Grey Goose jerks are always throwing that in Chopin’s face at cocktail parties.  Chopin also “encourage[s] you to conduct a personal taste test.” Challenge accepted!

Happy – Happy vodka is a Russian vodka distilled from neutral grain. I would have expected neutral grain to come from Switzerland, not Russia.  Go figure.  Similar to the Chopin, it is four times distilled.  According to them “it’s smooth and light taste is not traditional of Russian vodkas and will bide well with most any drinkers pallet.”  I hope they know more about vodka than they do about apostrophes. Maybe someone will ship them a palate of grammar books.  We have had this bottle of vodka for a while so I hope it isn’t sad that we don’t drink it. If memory serves, Mrs. Bottle bought it solely because she thought the bottle was cute. That is the same reason she picked me as her mate.  It costs a lot less than the other three, so it is the long shot in this race.

The taste test was set up in a double-blind format so neither Mrs. Bottle nor I knew which vodka we were tasting.  We conducted two rounds of tastings to see if our results were consistent.  We tasted the vodkas from four identical glasses and then individually ranked them from favorite to least favorite. 

Round 1 Glasses

In the first round, Mrs. Bottle had the following ranking:

1. Grey Goose

2. Happy

3. Chopin

4. Ketel One

I had:

1. Happy

2. Chopin

3. Grey Goose

4. Ketel One

After that round we both agreed that Ketel One was far and away the least pleasing to us and it really wasn’t that close.  It had no flavor other than burning. Mrs. Bottle thought the Grey Goose had a bit of fruity flavor. I couldn’t detect that but I did think it had something that separated it from the Chopin and the Happy.  I thought it tasted slightly worse, but she thought it tasted better.  To me, the Happy and Chopin were similar enough that I wasn’t sure if I would be able to distinguish them in round two.

Before going to round two, we took a break to rest our palates.  Tasting four vodkas straight definitely takes a toll. One friend predicted that all the vodkas would taste like rubbing alcohol and he wasn’t that far off.  I wouldn’t call any of them delicious.  The primary taste of each was just alcohol. 

Mrs. Bottle felt that her palate was fouled prior to round two and she wasn’t sure if she would be able to accurately rank them again.  Round one also left her feeling a little woozy, not because of the volume of vodka, but because of the harshness.  Regardless, we soldiered on.



Round 2 Glasses



Mrs. Bottle had the following rankings for round two:

1. Happy

2. Chopin

3. Ketel One

4. Grey Goose

I had:

1. Happy

2. Chopin

3. Grey Goose

4. Ketel One

The biggest shock here was that Mrs. Bottle ended up having Grey Goose plummeting from first to worst. This is likely due to her diminished oral state.  The second biggest shock was that I had ranked them exactly the same in both rounds. 

I tried smelling each one as well but I did not smell elegance or apples.  I also didn’t taste almond paste.  Admittedly, while I may occasionally use words like “nose” and “finish” my palate is not that sophisticated.  Those flavors may well be there if you are a vodka connoisseur.  I am a vodka everyman. You can bet that if I can detect a smell or flavor that most anybody else can as well.   You’ll never hear me say something along the lines of “this spirit is gutsy and truly captures the soul of the countryside.” 

	Mrs. Bottle		Mr. Bottle
	Round 1	Round 2	Round 1	Round 2	Average
Happy	2	1	1	1	1.25
Chopin	3	2	2	2	2.25
Grey Goose	1	4	3	3	2.75
Ketel One	4	3	4	4	3.75

Averaging our four rankings, the big winner is Happy Vodka.  The loser is Ketel One.  Maybe I didn’t have enough depth and character to appreciate the Ketel One? The good news is that Happy is the cheapest of the bunch. The bad news is that I don’t even know if they still make the stuff.  If we can find more of it, I told Mrs. Bottle that we could keep a Chopin bottle and just pour the Happy into it and our friends would never know the difference.  It’s the same trick we use when we tell them we are giving them fresh roasted coffee but we’ve secretly replaced it with Folger’s Crystals.



It will take someone strong to punch out Happy



There are many more vodkas to test.  In the past we have had Absolut, Belvedere, and Pinnacle.  One person has suggested Hangar One, which we have never tried. It would also be interesting to throw in an el-cheapo brand like Popov or Aristocrat to see how it fares. We will have more tests down the road as soon as our taste buds recover from this one. Until next time, don’t worry, buy Happy.