Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Drink 186: Big Lizard In My Back Yard, Can't Afford to Feed It Anymore

Lounge Lizard Cocktail
Have a Coke
and a blank
Today we will not be talking about baby scat commercials even though we remain emotionally scarred after yesterday's post. Instead we will discuss the Lounge Lizard, a mix of dark rum, amaretto, and cola.  This is the second best drink we’ve ever had with cola out of the two we’ve tried.  Don't you think it was so cute back then when I had given up drinking soda?  That dark period of my life is over now and hopefully soon forgotten.
The Lounge Lizard’s rating may have been adversely impacted as a result of my soda relapse, since drinking a cola is a normal occurrence instead of a treat. 

For our cola we used Coke Zero, which we thought would work better than our other option, Diet Pepsi.  Why? Because Coke Zero >>>> Diet Pepsi. Also, the Coke Zero was in the pantry and the Diet Pepsi was way downstairs. It turns out the Diet Pepsi may have been a better choice even with the required trek to the dank basement of the Estate.  because the drink ended up being a bit too sweet for either of our liking.  The Coke Zero is already pretty sweet and adding the amaretto pushed it over the top.  If I were to make it again I would definitely leave out the amaretto.  And maybe the rum, too.

Overall Rating for the Lounge Lizard

Taste: 3
Presentation: 4
Ease of Preparation: 5
Drinks Until Blackout: 11 – 9% Alcohol


1 oz Dark Rum
.5 oz Amaretto

Monday, August 29, 2011

Drink 185: Poop, There it Is!

Today we have the Chocolate-Covered Strawberry, which is a mix of strawberry schnapps, crème de cacao, and cream.  In our case we used delicious Fragoli wild strawberry liqueur (which we are not being paid to promote, but we could easily be persuaded to given the right incentive) instead of boring old schnapps. We also used half and half instead of cream.  We are not being paid to use half and half either (are you listening dairy council?), but we happen to have a carton of it that is about to expire so we need to use that stuff up.  Reader tip: expect more cream-based drinks in the next few days.  Mrs. Bottle was also eager to open the half and half because she will now be forced to drink White Russians daily (Final parenthetical – the White Russian post is our most viewed because of that picture of Superman with his shirt off.  The one of the Penguin with his shirt off was less successful).

Chocolate-Covered Strawberry Cocktail
Yes, this is all there was

This Chocolate-Covered Strawberry was pretty tasty, but you really had to search for the chocolate flavor.  It was almost overwhelmed by the Fragoli ultimately leaving it tasting more like a strawberry-covered strawberry.  In all seriousness, the Fragoli has a pretty pronounced flavor.  Another strawberry schnapps may reveal more of the crème de cacao but I guess we'll never know.

This drink is served in a red wine glass over ice.  I am not opposed to using ice in a red wine glass since that is how I usually drink my Almaden Blush.  This drink is only 1¾ ounces so it looks kind of ridiculous in a wine glass, though.   On the upside, it looks like a Strawberry Yoo-Hoo so you could mix up a batch, pour it in an empty Yoo-hoo bottle, and drink it while you are at the mall.  Or you could pack it in your kid’s lunch for a hilarious although legally and ethically questionable prank! 

Now is the part where I usually seamlessly segue into some tangentially related pop-culture or current-events based commentary.  What I need to talk about now is too shocking and upsetting to treat it with that type of frivolity, though. Last night I saw a commercial for Luvs Diapers that may be the most disturbing advertisement of our times.  I guess this thing has been out for a while but it hasn’t yet caused a national stir.  Maybe the rest of America is like me and they haven’t seen it yet. Now that I have seen it, I wish I could un-see it. 

Why is it so disturbing? I shall now break it down for you in a photo essay.

It starts off pretty normal.  We have three babies in the “Heavy Dooty Championship”.  At this point I figure it is some kind of beauty pageant spoof where we will see horrible mothers spend hundreds of dollars to pimp out their children in the hopes one will become Grand Supreme Heavy Dooty and win a cheap-ass bedazzled crown.

We now meet our first contestant.  So far… nothing disturbing.  She appears to be warming up for the talent portion of the contest.  I wonder what her talent is?

Oh she is showing her butt.  Maybe her talent is interpretive dance.

Oh my god, she crapped her pants.  Well, that’s what babies do I guess, but that is going to hurt her chances of winning Grand Supreme Heavy Dooty.

My, what a racially diverse and gender neutral judges panel.  I wonder what they will think?

Baby Randy Jackson clearly thinks the poop is a problem, dawg.


Okay, now I am getting upset.  Contestant #14 also pooped himself and the people in the audience are recording it on their phones so they can re-watch it later.  The authorities may be interested in those two.

Wait, what?  The judges are giving him better scores than the first contestant.  It is starting to dawn on me that the Heavy Dooty contest has something to do with poop volume.

Now there is no mistaking what is going on here.  This is just like looking into the mirror for me when I am headed to the loo.

Holy crap!  This kid should probably be rushed to the emergency room, stat.

The judges love it.  Sick bastards.

The kid on the left is thinking, “where are my parents and why are they making me stand on stage with a poop-filled diaper?” She probably also wants to get out of there before the champion goes for an encore.

The crowd goes wild!!!  I am beside myself.

Watch the whole thing here if you dare.

Overall Rating for the Chocolate-Covered Strawberry

Taste: 4
Presentation: 3
Ease of Preparation: 5
Drinks Until Blackout: 7 –  18% Alcohol


1 oz Strawberry Schnapps
0.25 oz Crème de Cacao
0.5 oz Cream

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Drink 184: Uh Oh, It's Magic

Today’s drink is the Black Magic and Mrs. Bottle is here to report on its wonders. It’s made with vodka, coffee liqueur and a dash of lemon juice. It’s almost identical to the Brave Bull we’ve already reviewed, except the Black Magic called for vodka instead of tequila. And that lemon juice is new too. It was a pretty tasty beverage and Mr. Bottle and I essentially chugged the thing. The only complaint I have is that the “dash” of lemon juice seems pointless because you can’t really taste it. Here’s the official definition (according to http://www.epicurious.com/): “a very small amount of seasoning added to food with a quick, downward stroke of the hand, such as "a dash of Tabasco." In general, a dash can be considered to be somewhere between 1/16 and a scant 1/8 teaspoon. Now that I know exactly what a dash amounts to, I think I probably added two dashes of lemon juice. And I still didn’t taste the lemon. Pointless has definitely been proven.
Black Magic Cocktail
I know you're gettin' twisted
and you can't come down

So you may have noticed that this is our first post in almost a week. That’s because I was working very late last week so I didn’t really feel like making a drink for the blog. Your next thought may be something along the lines of “Wow- they went a whole week without a drink? That must have been hard for them.” Just to set the record straight, I didn’t say I didn’t feel like having a drink. Sure, we could rhapsodize about the wondrous notes of our favorite blended red or the significant watery flavor in our normal low calorie beer. But nobody wants to read about me and Mr. Bottle drinking wine or beer all week.

You may also have thought to yourself, “I didn’t know Mrs. Bottle had to work so hard.” Neither did Mrs. Bottle. I’m definitely going to explore a future career as a wine pourer in some Napa winery. I’m really great at pouring the same amount of wine in identical wine glasses. It’s like I’m some sort of pouring genius. I know this is definitely something I can eventually capitalize on to make my millions. But in the meantime, I’ll just have another Black Magic.

Overall Rating for the Black Magic

Taste: 5
Presentation: 5
Ease of Preparation: 2 – I was out of practice on that lemon twist
Drinks Until Blackout: 3 – 34% Alcohol


1.5 oz Vodka
0.75 oz Coffee Liqueur
1 dash Lemon Juice

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Drink 183: Whoa, Did You Feel That?

Sonic Blaster Cocktail
In case you live under a rock, you probably heard about today’s earthquake.  Actually, if you live under a rock, you probably felt the earthquake more than most people did.  I hope your rock hole was undamaged!  We felt the earthquake here at the Bottle Wonderland Estate, too, but it was just a little shake.  It was like if a large truck was driving nearby or if someone had set off a sonic blaster but we were not forced to evacuate.  We also didn’t have to leave the house.

Today’s drink also happens to be the Sonic Blaster but Mrs. Bottle can assure you I had nothing to do with making the earth move.  Instead, I daintily sipped its combination of vodka, rum, banana liqueur, pineapple juice, orange juice, and cranberry juice.  The name Sonic Blaster seems wildly inappropriate for a drink that is 2/3 juice and only 11% alcohol.  Something called Sonic Blaster should have a little more oomph. I’m thinking it definitely would have Red Bull instead of juice and it should probably have some kind of whiskey and/or sambuca.
That was quite a coincidence that the earthquake
 was centered right where that star was on the map

The name might not be great, but t least it wasn’t called the Sonic Banana Blaster.  I bring this up because prior to this we have had eight drinks featuring banana liqueur and five of them have had “banana” in the name (Banana Di Amore, Banana Foster, Top Banana, Banana Slip, Banana Bomber).  We have awarded the Sonic Blaster one point for creativity.  It is possible it does not have “banana” in the name because of the simple reason that you cannot taste any banana in the drink.  I guess it is overwhelmed by the other juices.  We could taste the rum but only ever so slightly.  All in all it was a tasty drink but nothing earth shattering.

Overall Rating for the Sonic Blaster

Taste: 4
Presentation: 5
Ease of Preparation: 4
Drinks Until Blackout: 10 – 11% Alcohol


0.5 oz Vodka
0.5 oz Light Rum
0.5 oz Crème de Banana
1 oz Pineapple Juice
1 oz Orange Juice
1 oz Cranberry Juice

Monday, August 22, 2011

Drink 182: I'm Your Lover, I'm Your Zero

We are not going to fall for
the "banana in the tailpipe" trick
but we did fall for the "banana in
the garnish" trick.

Today’s drink is the Banana Di Amore, which translates from Italian roughly to “Banana Love”.  I have a number of hilarious jokes to make about this name, but since this a family-friendly blog you will have to insert your own banana [joke] instead. The reason it is called the Banana Di Amore is because in addition to its crème de banana liqueur it is made with amaretto.  A popular brand of amaretto is Amaretto Di Amore.  Put them together and what do you get?  Banana love. We used a different brand of ameretto, though, so our drink would more rightly be called the Banana De Kuyper.  That translates from Italian to  "Banana Cheapskates".

In addition to the two liqueurs, this drink also contains orange juice, simple syrup, and lemon juice.  Since it is frozen, it also contains freeze-water, more commonly known as ice.  I’m not a huge fan of frozen drinks in general (except for Beergaritas) because you tend not to get much alcohol, and this one was no exception.   Between the juice, ice, and low octane liqueurs, it was only 3% alcohol.  Even if we had used 99 Bananas instead of regular crème de banana it would have only bumped it to 5%.  It hardly seems worth it for the amount of effort involved what with the blending and the fancy garnishes and the ice and all.

The drink did taste good at least, although it was a little sweet.  Despite the freeze-water, you could taste all of the ingredients and they complemented each other well.  The problem is really only the lack of alcohol.  Luckily there is a solution and that solution is to have 2.5 servings instead of one.  That will bump it from 3% alcohol to %.  “Say what?” is what your inner monologue should be saying right now.  You may even whip out your calculator to try to prove me wrong.  If you have an Apple, it would probably look something like this (in video!!):

If you have a windows PC it will probably look something like this:

Oh silly reader, you clearly do not understood maths.  I have a math minor and a PhD in Diet Mountain Dew consumption.  Those things combine to let me prove that 2.5 servings of a beverage multiplies things in an unexpected way. Behold:

Do not drink if you are looking
for significant source of other nutrients.
"Other" nutrients?
See?  0 Calories per serving.  2.5 servings per container.  10 calories per bottle.  If that doesn’t prove the magic of 2.5 servings, I don’t know what will. Maybe a Coke Zero?

Overall Rating for the Banana Di Amore

Taste: 4
Presentation: 5
Ease of Preparation: 3
Drinks Until Blackout: 200 – 3% Alcohol


1 oz Amaretto
1 oz Crème de Banana
2 oz Orange Juice
0.5 oz Simple Syrup
0.5 oz Lemon Juice

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Drink 181: Son, You Got a Panty on Your Head

Sheer Elegance looks like silk, feels like silk, and even comes in a control-top style, too.  Sheer Elegance looks and feels like silk. From the Orient!

Sheer Elegance, the cocktail.
From the Bottle Wonderland Estate!

The above quote is the first thing I thought of when I saw that today’s drink was called the Sheer Elegance.  In case you weren’t raised by a television or you are not yet middle-aged, here is a YouTube clip that might help give you some context. That commercial is a classic, and I especially like the serendipitous use of an Asian to deliver the message.  It really brings it home when she says “From the Orient!”   Everyone might not remember a 30 year old commercial, but surely everyone understands that silk “from the Orient!” is the best kind.  Those pantyhose must be good, but I wouldn’t know since I’ve only worn pantyhose a few times never worn pantyhose. Mrs. Bottle assures me that pantyhose do not feel like silk, though.  From the Orient!

Also from the Orient!

The Sheer Elegance cocktail does not look like silk, feel like silk, and it surely does not come in a control-top style so I'm not sure why it is named after pantyhose. It doesn't even taste like it comes from the Orient.  Instead, its combination of amaretto, black raspberry liqueur, and vodka tasted like it came from the Karo Corn Syrup factory.  It was horribly sweet and it left my tongue coated in a viscous membrane.  That is not something I look for in a drink.  Or in a control-top undergarment for that matter.  The flavor was also a bit strange.  I’m not convinced that almonds and black raspberries are a great combination, although Mrs. Bottle thought it would have been decent had the taste been less cloying.

Part of the problem may be attributable to our 10+ year old bottle of Chateau Monet Liqueur Framboise.  We recently learned that 10+ year old Bailey’s Irish Cream doesn’t taste as good as fresh stuff so there is a tiny possibility that our black raspberry liqueur may not be at its peak flavor capacity.  I am unwilling to put the blame completely on it, though, because we have had plenty of drinks with this stuff and some of them have been not horrible. For example, the French Martini is quite similar to our latest drink, only it was good.  Maybe because it had more vodka.  Coincidentally, Mrs. Bottle suggested the real problem with the Sheer Elegance was the lack of vodka.  Of course that is her answer to a lot of things.

Overall Rating for the Sheer Elegance

Taste: 2
Presentation: 3
Ease of Preparation: 4
Drinks Until Blackout: 6 – 22% Alcohol


1.5 oz Amaretto
1.5 oz Black Raspberry Liqueur
0.5 oz Vodka

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Drink 180: Bang Bang Bang on the Door, Baby

Mrs. Bottle is here on another non-Sunday to amaze and surprise you with today’s drink review. I was actually supposed to write this up for yesterday but I had to watch Breaking Bad and The Big C instead. I also had to sit and stare for hours in wonder at the amazing cuteness of our baby kittens, Little Lord Johnny Walker and Little Lady Crème de Cacao. And why are there no liquors with female names? It’s as if no women have ever created their own brand of tasty alcohol. If any of our nine readers know of any liquor products with female namesakes, please drop us a line so we may stimulate the economy more than we already have. Ed Note: Tia Maria?

B-52 Cocktail
In metric for our European Friends
So today’s drink is the popular shooter, the B-52, made with coffee liqueur, Irish cream liqueur, and Mandarine Napoleon. We used Kahlua, Bailey’s and Grand Marnier, although Mr. Bottle wanted me to use Blue Curacao again. You may have picked up on the fact that he’s become obsessed with drinking blue beverages. However, this drink is layered so the color of the ingredients is actually an important feature. Unbelievably, the layering actually worked this time. However, we discovered that it’s difficult to share a taste test with a layered shot. Mr. Bottle suggested stirring it up but I couldn’t bear to destroy the integrity of my creation. So I took a big swig and tasted… orange. Mr. Bottle took a medium swig and tasted… Bailey’s. I took another tiny swig and tasted… some Bailey’s and some Kahula. Mr. Bottle took the final swig and tasted… mostly Kahlua and some Bailey’s. I think we were mostly satisfied with each part but we still don’t really know what this drink tastes like as designed. Probably good, but who knows.

For a bit of trivia, the B-52 is also referred to as the “Bifi” and according to Wikipedia (so you know it’s true), is named for the US B-52 Stratofortress long range bomber used in the Vietnam War. Apparently there’s also a flaming version which I believe is called the Flaming B-52. Clever. This probably makes more sense being named after a bomb. You know, because it’s incendiary. I also learned that Grand Marnier is hard to ignite unless warmed. There’s your useful info for today. It’s your job to figure out how to use it.

Overall Rating for the B-52

Taste: 4 – The average of 4,3,4,4 from our tasting
Presentation: 5
Ease of Preparation: 2
Drinks Until Blackout: 4 – 28% Alcohol


0.5 oz Coffee Liqueur
0.5 oz Irish Cream Liqueur
0.5 oz Mandarine Napoleon

Monday, August 15, 2011

Drink 179: Do Youngsters Understand the Phrase "Mailing It In"?

Normally it takes me about an hour to write a TBIAW entry.  That includes the photograph, research (those Google searches don’t run by themselves), proofreeding, and about 20-45 minutes of checking Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Tumblr, Renren, Myspace, Orkut, Badoo, Cougarlife, and Frühstückstreff.  Tonight I am in a bit of a hurry so I am going to try to keep it quick, which isn’t a problem for me.

No time for a caption

Our drink is the Blue Maragarita and it is composed of tequila, blue Curaçao and lime juice.   I was excited because Mrs. Bottle let us use the blue Curaçao instead of sending us on a Wumpus hunt like she did for our previous drink. It is a good thing, too, because the blue Curaçao is the only difference between this drink and the regular Margarita, which we have already reviewed.  Since we have already reviewed it, there isn’t much point in talking about this one.  It is left as an exercise for the reader to figure why this one gets a five while the other one only got a four even though they tasted the same.

Overall Rating for the Blue Margarita

Taste: 5
Presentation: 4 – Needed a garnish
Ease of Preparation: 4 – Had to salt a rim
Drinks Until Blackout: 5 – 24% Alcohol


1.5 oz Tequila
0.5 oz blue Curaçao
1 oz Lime Juice

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Drink 178: Marmalade? Dead! Niedermeyer? Dead!

Today we have the Marmalade, a drink made from Curaçao and tonic water.  We didn’t use our blue Curaçao because Mrs. Bottle didn’t want to use it.  I’m not quite sure why she didn’t want to use Curaçao in a drink that called for Curaçao but sometimes it is better to just let these things go. Trust me on this.

Marmalade Cocktail
Does not look like marmalade
We’ve discussed a bit in the past that Curaçao tastes like oranges even though genuine Curaçao is made with larahas instead of oranges. The only reason I bring this up now is because I am trying to set the world record for the most mentions of Curaçao in one blog post. Curaçao. Since we didn’t have any non-blue Curaçao we had to decide what to use as a substitute. Our choices were triple sec, Cointreau, and Grand Marnier.  I wanted to go with Cointreau since its pronunciation is an inscrutable as Curaçao’s (here’s how not to say it) but Mrs. Bottle insisted we research to find the best option.  It was at this point when I really wanted to suggest we just use our actual bottle of Curaçao but thought better of it.  The only reason I feel safe even writing that is because Mrs. Bottle is in a different state right now.

According to Wikipedia, the original name for Cointreau was "Curaçao Blanco Triple Sec" so it was looking promising as a substitute.  Then I found this guy who says “Cointreau is probably the most recognized brand of orange liqueur in the triple sec style, and Grand Marnier, despite being French, is more in line with the Dutch curacao style”.  As you probably know, a random web site carries almost as much weight as a Wikipedia article so I was now confused about the viability of Cointreau as compared to Grand Marnier as a Curaçao substitute.  Mrs. Bottle then consulted our Ultimate Encyclopedia of Wine, Beer, Spirits, and Liqueurs which said that Grand Marnier was the closest to a genuine Curaçao but that it was a “finer” product.  We immediately ruled out the Grand Marnier.  Not because it is too fine, but because that stuff is spendy.

Does look like marmalade
Clearly did not use blue Curaçao either

At this point we just threw up our hands and decided to go with our el-cheapo triple sec.  I’m pretty sure there isn’t a whole lot of difference in any of these liqueurs other than marketing anyway.  Maybe we need to do an orange liqueur taste-test.  Regardless, the drink was decent but nothing special.  Mrs. Bottle kept saying she only tasted the tonic water, but I thought it tasted like an orange soda that was way past its expiration date.  I think it may have tasted better if it has been blue.

Overall Rating for the Marmalade

Taste: 3
Presentation: 4
Ease of Preparation: 4 – Had to slice an orange
Drinks Until Blackout: 12 – 6.5% Alcohol


1.5 oz Curaçao
4 oz Tonic Water

* Please no e-mails, we know it is Marmalard in Animal House

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Drink 177: Some Of Our Best Friends Are Turkish

Today’s drink the Midnight Express is made from dark rum, triple sec, hashish, lime juice, simple syrup, and lemon juice*.  Whatever you do, do not smuggle this drink out of Turkey.  You will be tempted to try, though, if you happen to be in Turkey when you first have one. That’s because this drink was very good and you will want to have it again when you get back to the States.  The primary taste was citrus with a hint of dark rum.  It was a more complex taste than I was expecting and it was a pleasant surprise.  Mrs. Bottle and I both thought it reminded us of another drink.  Sadly neither of us could think of what it was. You are probably happy I shared that little tidbit.
Midnight Express Cocktail
We used the giant version of the image
 to mask the lack of content today

I was planning on writing some other stuff about the movie Midnight Express, which is one of my favorites (“Oh, Billy!”).  Then I read that a lot of the stuff in the movie wasn’t even true.  In fact, director Oliver Stone even apologized to the Turkish people for their portrayal in the film.  C’mon Ollie, stand behind your work even if it unfairly stereotyped an entire country.  You don’t see George Lucas apologizing for Star Wars: The Phantom Menace even though he should.  You certainly won’t catch us apologizing for anything we write on TBIAW.  Unless, of course, someone were to ask us to.  

*Does not contain hashish

Overall Rating for the Midnight Express


Taste: 5
Presentation: 3 – It ain’t pretty
Ease of Preparation: 4
Drinks Until Blackout: 4 – 26% Alcohol


1.5 oz Dark Rum
.5 oz Triple Sec
.75 oz Lime Juice
1 splash Simple Syrup
1 splash Lemon Juice

Monday, August 8, 2011

Drink 176: Don't Panic, That's What Everyone Else is Doing

Some of you may have noticed a recent drop in the stock market over the last week.  On August 1 the Dow closed at 12,132.49.  On August 8 it closed at 10,809.85.  That is a drop of something like a billion points.  I’m not a financial wiz, though, so I’m not sure about the figures.  I do know if your strategy is to “sell low” you are kicking butt.

No where to go but up or further down
There is a lot of speculation around the cause(s) of this drop.  Most people think it has to do with the debt ceiling compromise, the possibility of a double-dip recession (I would go for one scoop chocolate and one scoop vanilla), the European debt crisis, or Standard & Poor lowering the sovereign debt rating of the US from AAA to AA+. Side note: You can definitely trust the S&P when it comes to bond ratings.

One aspect that has been overlooked is the slowdown in TBIAW postings. We normally post daily but last week we barely mustered four posts.  We never would have slacked off had we known the global economic impact.  We might not have many readers but I guess they are extremely influential.  I can’t promise we will return to our old frequency any time soon as we will be busy selling what stock we have remaining and burying the money in mason jars around the Estate.

Fear not, though, because Michelle Bachmann has already figured out how to solve our economic woes without involving TBIAW.  All we need to do is to send “signals to the marketplace” and it “won’t take long” for the improvements to manifest themselves.  I, for one, find that exciting.  I think we should start with the Bat Signal.  That is a good one. Next, I would try a Facebook Poke if I knew what signal that actually sent.   Until then we will send a signal to the marketplace right now: Stop selling!  It is making me upset.  Also, TBIAW is not a bond rating agency or qualified in any way, but if we were, we would rate the USA as AAAAAAAA++++*.   Was that so hard?  The ball is in your court, Obama.

Chi-Chi Cocktail
The cherry sank faster than my portfolio.
You can see the traces of it, though.
If you are upset about the economic state, one thing that will probably make you feel better is the Chi-Chi, a drink made with vodka, cream of coconut, and pineapple juice.  It was creamy and delicious and makes it impossible to be down while you are drinking it.  It might make you a little sad when you run out, though.  It is very similar to a Piña Colada made with vodka instead of rum. Note that we are talking about a real  Piña Colada, not the abomination of a recipe we tried a few weeks ago.  As with the Piña Colada, the secret is the cream of coconut.  That stuff is fantastic.  Mrs. Bottle said that could just drink a big bowl of that and be happy.  Maybe we should send some to everyone in America.  That would send a signal to the marketplace.

* Rating scale undetermined. Rating refers to nothing. This rating is unofficial and non-binding.  Actually, it indicates less than nothing.  Seriously. TBIAW is not a licensed financial advisor. Parody website. Your mileage may vary.  Past performance is not an indicator of future value.  This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing.  Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Penalty for private use. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show.  You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more.. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Decision of judges is final.

This supersedes all previous notices.

Overall Rating for the Chi-Chi

Taste: 5
Presentation: 4
Ease of Preparation: 3
Drinks Until Blackout: 23 – 5% Alcohol


1.5 oz Vodka
1 oz Cream of Coconut
4 oz Pineapple Juice

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Drink 175: Are You Effen Kidding Me?

Blue Lemonade Cocktail
Beauty is only skin deep
If I told you we had a drink made from vodka, blue Curaçao, and lemonade, you would probably think that it would be tasty.  We certainly did.  How could a drink with those ingredients possibly be bad?  Well, somehow the Blue Lemonade managed to pull it off.  It didn’t really taste like lemonade even though it had four ounces of the stuff.  It didn’t taste much like blue Curaçao either.  It pretty much tasted like vodka.  Nothing against vodka, but when I have a drink with “lemonade” right in the name I think that it should taste like lemonade. Unfortunately, this isn’t the first drink that failed to hurdle that seemingly low bar.

We suspected the problem might lie in our choice of ingredients.  We immediately ruled out the blue Curaçao since it is the same stuff we’ve been using for our other blue drinks and it hasn’t yet caused any problems.  Our next suspect was the lemonade.  Mrs. Bottle makes all of our pitchers of lemonade and she thought maybe she had made a bad batch.  I found that unlikely since she hand-squeezes three dozen fresh lemons for each batch and sweetens it with sugar cane grown right in the back yard.  Ed Note: I have just been informed that Mrs. Bottle actually just uses Crystal Light.  She tasted the lemonade and proclaimed it lemonadey so we crossed it off the list.

That left us with the vodka.  In this case we used Happy Vodka. Since it was the winner of our vodka taste test we were confident it was fine.  We then double checked the recipe and saw that it specifically called for Effen vodka.  We aren't sure why Mr. Boston would brand-whore and we found it hard to believe that using Effen vodka would make that much difference in the drink flavor. We headed over to the Effen web site to learn more.  The first thing I learned is that EFFEN loves using capital letters.  The second thing I learned was that when you use EFFEN, “you tell those around you that you prefer products that emphasize design and balance form and function.”  These people are also known as Apple fanbois.  Also, that sentence could use some work.

Also emphasizes design
It is obvious from our photographs and the overall beauty of TBIAW that design is a priority in our lives.  Anyone who has seen me shirtless knows that I also balance form and function.  That said, I don’t really know what design and form have to do with vodka.  Function, sure.  It is obvious that the function of vodka is to get you buzzed.  Do you really need EFFEN to do that?  Probably not.  I've never tried it though so maybe it is just that good.  I just don't EFFEN know.

Overall Rating for the Blue Lemonade

 Taste: 2
Presentation: 4
Ease of Preparation: 5
Drinks Until Blackouts: 9 – 12% Alcohol


1.5 oz Vodka – Use EFFEN only.  It is written.
0.75 oz Blue Curaçao
4 oz Lemonade

Friday, August 5, 2011

Drink 174: The Return of Buddy Love

Nutty Professor Cocktail
Myspace Angle
Sound the horns, hit the lights, and then behold! Mrs. Bottle is back!! I know all eighteen of our readers have been on the edge of their seats wondering where I’ve been, what I’ve been doing, or even if I’m alive or dead. I’ve been here, at the wondrous TBIAW estate. I’ve been reading a lot and watching True Blood and Happy Days reruns. And I’m still alive. Also, Mr. Bottle and I have been quite social for the past several Saturday nights resulting in no drink for me to critique. Sure, I could have written a blog on another day but I wanted to keep the mystery alive. And yes, this is a different day but Mr. Bottle didn’t feel like reviewing today’s beverage, ultimately forcing my return.

Speaking of today’s drink, it is a shooter called the Nutty Professor. And not the kind featuring Jerry Lewis. No, this is a shooter calling for equal parts of Mandarine Napoleon, Irish cream liqueur, and hazelnut liqueur. For our version, we used Grand Marnier, Bailey’s, and Frangelico. The drink smelled and tasted pretty nutty, possibly from the hazelnut liqueur. It was also pretty creamy with a hint of orange and I thought that overall it had a pleasant flavor. Mr. Bottle however was not a fan, possibly because of the cold feelings he has for Bailey’s. But since the drink was small and tasty, I didn’t mind finishing it off by myself.

In case you were wondering how big a hazelnut is in centimeters
Now is the part of the blog where I teach you about the newly acquired item in our bar stock: Frangelico. Putting aside the ever annoying birth date request on the home page, this might possibly be the most informative alcohol website I’ve ever visited. You might be surprised to learn that Frangelico is made with hazelnuts. That was a doozy, but wait. It’s actually made with Tonda Gentile hazelnuts, which can only be found in the northern Piedmont hills of Italy. These are also found in Nutella so you know they’re the best. Some other fun facts: In case you are blind, the Frangelico bottle is shaped like a monk. In case you have tummy issues, Frangelico is gluten free. In case you are Jewish, Frangelico is kosher. And lastly, in case you get some and don’t use it, Frangelico has a shelf life of twenty years. Twenty years you say? With our history, this might just be the most perfect bottle for our bar.

Overall Rating for the Nutty Professor

Taste: 4 – Mr. Bottle might say less
Presentation: 3 – unless you are into milky beige
Ease of Preparation: 4
Drinks Until Blackout: 5 – 27% Alcohol


0.5 oz Mandarine Napoleon
0.5 oz Hazelnut Liqueur
0.5 oz Irish Cream Liqueur

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