Drink 112: Nice Day for a White Russian

Normally Mrs. Bottle does the Sunday entry, but today I am filling in on her request.  She said that she had too many things on her “to-do” list to take the time to post.  That is really a lose-lose, since you will now have to wait an additional week to read her wit and insight and it also forces me to write something on a day when I don’t have anything to say.  Actually, that isn’t too different than a normal day, so forget I even said that.  That probably makes it the same as a normal day for you, too.

What is Mrs. Bottle doing that is keeping her so busy?  Well, right now she is watching Smallville, the TV show about Superman where he isn’t Superman and can’t even fly.  He can run really fast, though, so that’s something.  In Mrs Bottle’s defense,  she has been watching this show for almost 10 years and it is the series finale.  I also hear that he might actually fly in this one.  That is pretty important and should be higher priority than informing and entertaining the readers of TBIAW.  Also, that Clark Kent is pretty dreamy.

His razor must have triple blades
made of Kryptonite to shave his chest
that smooth

So, while she watches TV it is up to me to tell you about today’s drink, the White Russian.  The White Russian is made of vodka, coffee liqueur, and cream.  It had fairly pronounced vodka overtones, but it was still good with its creamy-coffee flavor.  It also turns out that this drink is one of Mrs. Bottle’s favorites, but she still refused to write today’s post.  She also refused to let me have more than a sip of the White Russian.  After we had each tasted it, she asked if I would like to have the rest or have something else and she would finish it.  Knowing what is good for me, I had something else.

Белый Россию

Ed. Note: The contents of today’s post are possibly exaggerated for effect.

Ed. Note 2: The previous note was definitely not made just so Mrs. Bottle won’t be mad at Mr. Bottle.

Overall Rating for the White Russian

Taste: 5 – I would give it a 4, but Mrs. Bottle would give it a 6 if she could.

Presentation: 4

Ease of Preparation: 5

Drinks Until Blackout: 7– 18% Alcohol

Ingredients

2 oz Vodka

1 oz Coffee Liqueur

Milk or Cream

Day 61: Some of Our Best Friends Are Russian

The Black Russian is a classic, first appearing in 1949 under its original name, the Dirty Commie.  It is a combination of vodka and coffee liqueur.  As with other duo cocktails the drink has a high alcohol content.  The alcohol is definitely a featured component of the Black Russian, but the coffee liqueur added a pleasant flavor.  Of course if you hate coffee, it added an unpleasant flavor.  It also gave you a nice warm feeling in your stomach after a sip, just like a half-caf venti four pump vanilla half soy no foam extra hot cinnamon swirled mocha latte would.

WTF? The glass is tiny and
it is still mostly empty

Picking the final rating for the Black Russian wasn't easy.  On my first sip it was a bit too strong, but after the shock wore off it became more inviting.  You always have to give the drink time to settle in.  Even so, we were going to give this drink a rating of three. After noticing that Mrs. Bottle ended up finishing the whole drink, I decided to bump it to a four. She did mention that letting the ice melt a little helped.  Of course if we bumped every drink by a point just because one of us finished it, we would have worse inflation than the Weimar Republic.

Even though the Black Russian was good, Mrs. Bottle thought that increasing the amount of coffee liqueur would make it even better.  She also thought that adding some cream would make it tastier still.  Of course had we added milk or cream we would have had a White Russian, one of the many variants of this drink.  If you removed the vodka, you have a Senator Joe McCarthy.  Using skim milk in a White Russian gives you an Anna Kournikova.  That one looks a lot better than it tastes.  There is even one where you add Yoo Hoo to a Black Russian; it is called Why Are You Punishing Me, Jesus?

"George Bush doesn't care about Black Russians"

Overall Rating for the Black Russian

Taste: 4

Presentation: 3

Ease of Preparation: 5

Drinks Until Blackout: 3 – 36% Alcohol

Ingredients

1.5 oz Vodka

.75 oz Coffee Liqueur

Drink 188: Is This Post Beeper Friendly?



Brown Russian



Mrs. Bottle here and I’d like to…I’d like to say something…something I prepared. This morning… Hello, how about that click to get here? I guess that’s why they call it the World Wide Web (hahaha).

You guys may not know this, but I consider myself…a bit of a drinker. I tend to think of myself as a one woman six pack. But when I met Vodka, I knew it was one of my own. And my six pack, it grew by one. So were two…so there were two of us in the six pack. I…I was alone first in the pack, and then Vodka joined in later.

And last night, when Vodka introduced me to equal amounts of Kahlua and Cream, I thought…wait a second, could it be. And now I know for sure, I just added two more ingredients to my six pack. Four of us drink parts running around TBIAW estate together, in TBIAW resident city, looking for a shaker and ice. So tonight, we make a toast!

This is what Mrs. Bottle is wearing right now
img

You may have guessed it, but today’s drink is the Cappuccino Cocktail. It is made with coffee-flavored brandy, vodka, and light cream. And yes, this drink is basically a White Russian all dressed up in a pretty cocktail glass. So it was like a win-win-win for me. The  White Russian is one of my favorite drinks, I got to use up more of the cream, and it tasted just like a slightly stronger White Russian. Can’t go wrong with that. Even Mr. Bottle agrees.

Overall Rating for the Cappuccino Cocktail

Taste: 5

Presentation: 4

Ease of Preparation: 4

Drinks Until Blackout: 6 – 22% Alcohol

Ingredients

0.75 oz Vodka

0.75 oz Coffee-flavored Brandy

0.75 oz Light Cream

Day 23: Grin and Bear It

As white as Tattoo's suit

Close your eyes and imagine you just won a vacation. Now open them back up so you can read the rest of this.  You arrive at a lush tropical island in a small sea plane and are greeted by a handsome man in a striking white suit. Adjusting your gaze upward, you notice a taller handsome man dressed identically to his diminutive associate.  You suddenly feel an urge to buy a Chrysler Cordoba with Corinthian Leather.  “Our dear guests, I am your host Mr. Roarke. Welcome to Fantasy Island,” he exclaims.

The man explains that your every fantasy will be fulfilled but warns you that once the fantasy begins even he is powerless to stop it so you should be careful.  Giddy with excitement you ignore his warning and begin your adventure.  You soon learn that everything on Fantasy Island isn’t what it appears to be even though you were just warned two sentences ago. No matter what your fantasy, it will take a dark turn and put you in an uncomfortable place.  It may end well, but you will learn a valuable lesson.  This is exactly the same as the Week of Cream.

For Day 6 of the WoC we selected the Russian Bear, a mix of vodka, crème de cocoa, and cream.  It is pretty similar to the Russian Cocktail we previously reviewed but it substitutes cream for gin.  That is a trade down in my opinion.  During preparation, this drink is stirred instead of shaken.  The reason to stir a drink is that it keeps the ice from breaking down into the liquid and keeps air out of the drink.  This leads to a clearer look and a smoother mouth feel.  Of course the Russian Bear has cream in it so it isn’t clear.  In fact it looked just like milk when we poured it into the glass.

Didn't know he was Russian

The drink was quite smooth and tasty and one of the better ones we have had to date. Mrs. Bottle thought the only way to improve it would be to add Kahlua, which she thinks improves everything.  If she had added Kahlua, the drink would no longer be a Russian Bear; it would be an Alexander the Great.  Maybe we can try that during Cream Week II: The Wrath of Khream. 

Overall Rating for the Russian Bear

Taste: 4

Ease of Preparation: 4

Presentation: 3

Drinks until blackout: 5 – clocks in at over 26% alcohol

Ingredients:

1 oz. Vodka

.5 oz. Crème de Cocoa

1 tbsp. Light Cream

Drink 185: Poop, There it Is!

Today we have the Chocolate-Covered Strawberry, which is a mix of strawberry schnapps, crème de cacao, and cream.  In our case we used delicious Fragoli wild strawberry liqueur (which we are not being paid to promote, but we could easily be persuaded to given the right incentive) instead of boring old schnapps. We also used half and half instead of cream.  We are not being paid to use half and half either (are you listening dairy council?), but we happen to have a carton of it that is about to expire so we need to use that stuff up.  Reader tip: expect more cream-based drinks in the next few days.  Mrs. Bottle was also eager to open the half and half because she will now be forced to drink White Russians daily (Final parenthetical – the White Russian post is our most viewed because of that picture of Superman with his shirt off.  The one of the Penguin with his shirt off was less successful).

Yes, this is all there was

This Chocolate-Covered Strawberry was pretty tasty, but you really had to search for the chocolate flavor.  It was almost overwhelmed by the Fragoli ultimately leaving it tasting more like a strawberry-covered strawberry.  In all seriousness, the Fragoli has a pretty pronounced flavor.  Another strawberry schnapps may reveal more of the crème de cacao but I guess we'll never know.

This drink is served in a red wine glass over ice.  I am not opposed to using ice in a red wine glass since that is how I usually drink my Almaden Blush.  This drink is only 1¾ ounces so it looks kind of ridiculous in a wine glass, though.   On the upside, it looks like a Strawberry Yoo-Hoo so you could mix up a batch, pour it in an empty Yoo-hoo bottle, and drink it while you are at the mall.  Or you could pack it in your kid’s lunch for a hilarious although legally and ethically questionable prank! 

Now is the part where I usually seamlessly segue into some tangentially related pop-culture or current-events based commentary.  What I need to talk about now is too shocking and upsetting to treat it with that type of frivolity, though. Last night I saw a commercial for Luvs Diapers that may be the most disturbing advertisement of our times.  I guess this thing has been out for a while but it hasn’t yet caused a national stir.  Maybe the rest of America is like me and they haven’t seen it yet. Now that I have seen it, I wish I could un-see it. 

Why is it so disturbing? I shall now break it down for you in a photo essay.

It starts off pretty normal.  We have three babies in the “Heavy Dooty Championship”.  At this point I figure it is some kind of beauty pageant spoof where we will see horrible mothers spend hundreds of dollars to pimp out their children in the hopes one will become Grand Supreme Heavy Dooty and win a cheap-ass bedazzled crown.

We now meet our first contestant.  So far… nothing disturbing.  She appears to be warming up for the talent portion of the contest.  I wonder what her talent is?

Oh she is showing her butt.  Maybe her talent is interpretive dance.

Oh my god, she crapped her pants.  Well, that’s what babies do I guess, but that is going to hurt her chances of winning Grand Supreme Heavy Dooty.

My, what a racially diverse and gender neutral judges panel.  I wonder what they will think?

Baby Randy Jackson clearly thinks the poop is a problem, dawg.

 

Okay, now I am getting upset.  Contestant #14 also pooped himself and the people in the audience are recording it on their phones so they can re-watch it later.  The authorities may be interested in those two.

Wait, what?  The judges are giving him better scores than the first contestant.  It is starting to dawn on me that the Heavy Dooty contest has something to do with poop volume.

Now there is no mistaking what is going on here.  This is just like looking into the mirror for me when I am headed to the loo.

Holy crap!  This kid should probably be rushed to the emergency room, stat.

The judges love it.  Sick bastards.

The kid on the left is thinking, “where are my parents and why are they making me stand on stage with a poop-filled diaper?” She probably also wants to get out of there before the champion goes for an encore.

The crowd goes wild!!!  I am beside myself.

Watch the whole thing here if you dare.

Overall Rating for the Chocolate-Covered Strawberry

Taste: 4

Presentation: 3

Ease of Preparation: 5

Drinks Until Blackout: 7 –  18% Alcohol

Ingredients

1 oz Strawberry Schnapps

0.25 oz Crème de Cacao

0.5 oz Cream

Drink 111: Another Brick in the Wallbanger

These orange drinks
are making me angry

Today we have the Harvey Wallbanger. It is one of the rare drinks that can be traced to its origins.  In this case, it was invented in by Duke Antone sometime in the 1950's.  This is a big deal, since Antone also invented several other famous drinks including the Rusty Nail and the White Russian. According to Wikipedia, Antone was a three time world champion mixologist ^{[citation needed]}.  That is quite an accomplishment, I think.  I'm not clear on how they choose the world champion mixologist, but I'm sure it is hotly contested. It is unclear if the Harvey Wallbanger was ever a drink that contributed to one of his championships. It seems unlikely that it could lead to such a prestigious title since the only ingredients are  vodka, orange juice, and Galliano.   It seems like adding Galliano to a Screwdriver isn't really that much of a breakthrough.  The Wallbanger has endured though, making it the most successful subtle twist on an existing classic since this.

The twist was subtle indeed as the drink pretty much tasted like a screwdriver.  There was  the slightest hint of licorice-like Galliano, but that hint worked pretty well in my opinion.  Mrs. Bottle is less tolerant of Galliano so she didn't care for it as much.  She did drink most of it though, so it couldn't have been entirely unpleasant for her.  Although she does have a knack for putting up with things that are unpleasant.

Finally it must be noted that a bit of the Galliano was spilled before it made it into the drink, which may have affected the overall taste.  Mrs. Bottle claims the spillage was unintentional, but given her feelings towards it I remain unconvinced.  I will be keeping a close eye on her the next time she uses Galliano.  Wasting Galliano makes baby FSM cry, mostly because it is so expensive.

Overall Rating for the Harvey Wallbanger

Taste: 3
Presentation: 2
Ease of Preparation: 5
Drinks Until Blackout: 10 – 10% Alcohol

Ingredients

1 oz Vodka
.5 oz Galliano
4 oz Orange Juice

Feets of Strength

It is finally here.  The highly anticipated and equally dreaded whisk(e)y taste test. So far our first two taste tastes each led to surprises. In the vodka taste test we learned that a cheap Russian vodka tasted better than the more expensive and more well-known brands.  In the light beer taste test we learned that mass produced light beer pretty much all tasted the same.  Oh wait, that wasn’t the surprise.  The surprise was that our two devoted Miller Lite drinkers both actually liked Bud Light better.  Will the whisk(e)y taste test lead to a surprise?  If neither of us retches during the test, I would consider that I surprise.

Our Contenders

Since whiskey (I’m going to stop with the parentheses after this) has many different sub-categories, this test will be slightly different than our previous two.  Instead of picking the best of a specific variety, we will be tasting several different types of whiskey to see which one we hate the least.  I’m not going to spend a bunch of time explaining the differences since there are plenty of other resources available for that. Our selected choices are based purely what we have on hand in the Bottle Wonderland Bar.  We have two Kentucky bourbons, a Kentucky rye, a Canadian blended whisky, an Irish whiskey, and a Scotch whisky.

Without further ado, let’s meet the competitors:

Wild Turkey Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey – According to Wikipedia, Wild Turkey “suggest[s] a rough, hard-living person” or “a person with ‘white trash’ traits”.  Those of you who know us personally understand how those descriptions fit us to a T. I’m as hard as they come.  The suburb I grew up in didn’t even have all-brick houses.  Through hard work and perseverance, we were able to work our way up to our current brick-fronted Bottle Wonderland Estate. We did it with no help from anyone other than our parents paying for college and buying us stuff.   That hardscrabble life is why we drink Wild Turkey.

Maker’s Mark Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whisky – Maker’s Mark is a little more froo-froo than Wild Turkey. There are some clues right on the bottle.  The first is the famous red wax seal, although I admit it looks kind of cool. The second clue is that they spell whisky without the “e”.  Typically, bourbon whiskey is spelled whiskey, not whisky.  Who are they trying to kid with this tomfoolery?  I guess it worked, though, since we have a bottle. It is 90 proof, making it stronger than most of today’s competition.  Maker’s Mark has a lot of information on their web site, but I couldn’t find anything that really described what the taste is.

Jim Beam Rye – There are several drinks in the Mr. Boston guide that specifically call for rye.  It turns out that rye can be a little difficult to find at the ABC store.  Once we found it we were presented with the choice of Jim Beam or Wild Turkey.  The Beam was cheaper, so that’s what we have.  According to their web site, Jim Beam is America’s best selling rye.  Congratulations, Jim Beam, you beat out your one competitor!  I think it may have more to do with their cheaper price than the fact that it is “spicy, bold, and flavorful”.  I was also glad to see that Jim Beam is made with 51% rye, which is the minimum amount required to be called rye.  We here at TBIAW are huge supporters of doing the minimum required.  If they used more than 51% it might make the other rye look bad.

Whisky Purse

Crown Royal Black Blended Canadian Whisky – Crown Royal is our first contender from outside the USA.  It comes from Canada, America’s Hat.   This whisky is actually a guest in our home.  Mrs. Bottle’s father inadvertently left it here over Christmas.  Since we are bad children, we have not returned it yet.  I don’t know much about Crown Royal other than the fact that their bottles come in a little purse. People try to tell me that I am not manly because I don’t like whisky, but at least gin doesn’t come in a purse. The Crown Royal Black eschews the traditional purple purse for a black one, making it the perfect companion for a night on the town with the girls.  Mrs. Bottle’s father claims that this whisky is smooth and thinks we might like it. Even though it is a strong 90 proof, their web site says it has “dark, sweet, maple notes and a light vanilla flavor towards the finish”.  That sounds delicious to me.  Maybe I’ll pour some on a pancake.

Jameson Irish Whiskey – When we do our taste tests, we try to learn a little about each of the contenders.  We distil the information and share with you only the most interesting tidbits.  For example, it turns out that Jameson Irish Whiskey is made in Ireland. The main thing I learned from the Jameson web site is that in Ireland they spell “distill” with only one “l”.   They had to conserve the “l” to make up for the extra “u” they liberally sprinkle where it doesn’t belong.  Their site also infourms us that Jameson has a “sweet nutty flavour” and “toasted wood and vanilla notes”.  I love toasted wood with some cinnamon sugar and a nice poached egg.

Johnnie Walker Black Label Old Scotch Whisky – Johnnie Walker has five different colored labels they use to distinguish their whiskies. Their rainbow of flavors makes them a favorite in the LGBT community.   Black Label is their second tier offering.  It is a “unique blend with a smooth, deep and complex character”.  That doesn’t tell me a lot about what to expect.  What are they hiding?  According to their web site, Black Label is “regarded by experts as the ultimate Scotch deluxe whisky, the benchmark by which all others are measured.”  If that is the case, it seems that their Green, Gold, and Blue labels are superfluous. Like many of the whisky manufacturers, Johnnie Walker has a club you can join to let everyone know what product you like.  Theirs is called the “Striding Man Society”.   They have an annual meeting in the desert just like Burning Man, but with less ecstasy and more striding.   

Whiskies ready to be tasted.  They are also ready for the Olympics

As before, the tasting was set up so neither Mrs. Bottle nor I knew which cup contained which whiskey.  Instead of ranking them from favorite to least favorite, we simply picked our “favorite”, and then tried to guess which was which.  I actually knew which one was the Crown Royal because it was significantly darker than the others, but I did not know what the other five were.

Before we get to our notes, we must warn that if you are looking for some fancy-schmancy reviews where we give subtle details about the differences of the various whiskies you will not find it here.  It’s not to say that we didn’t try, though.  We spent many minutes sniffing and swishing and generally looking like accomplished snobs aficionados.  It didn’t matter though.  Our palates are not conditioned for whiskey and my vocabulary does not contain phrases like “the nose has notes of pepper, butterscotch, honey, and a pointed hint of citrus that really highlights the softer, sweeter flavors.”  Maybe people can really taste all that, but I remain skeptical.

Let me share with you our notes:

Wild Turkey Bourbon:  Smooth; slight burning; pretty good; more feet-like.  Off to a decent start.  Rating a “pretty good” is high praise from us.

Maker’s Mark Bourbon: Smells sweet; a little like caramel; a little burn; not altogether horrible. Again, I consider this a victory for Maker’s Mark.

Jim Beam Rye: First not too bad, then got worse; Not burning; Harsh; bitter.  Notice that the words “spicy, bold, and flavorful” did not appear.  I suppose “harsh and bitter” could be “bold and flavorful.”

Crown Royal Black Blended Whisky: Nostrils burn, but a different taste than #1 [Maker’s Mark]; Harsh, but not as bad as #5 [Jameson]. It did not taste like something I would want to put on a pancake.

Jameson Irish Whiskey: Smells floral; Awful; Harsh but not feet-y.  Hmm…this isn’t good.  I thought I was learning to like Irish whiskey but maybe not.  It certainly was not as good as toasted wood.

Johnnie Walker Black Scotch: Feet; I can’t tell my taste buds are dead.  There you have it.  Mrs. Bottle has been saying Scotch tasted like feet and this test confirmed it.



Celebratory shot of Maker's Mark
with built in Coke Zero chaser



So there you have it. In the whiskey taste test, everyone is a loser, especially us.  And possibly you, if you made it this far.  We didn’t love any of them, but in fairness, this taste test was more pleasant than the vodka taste test.  In that one the burning sensation was terrible.  For the most part, the whiskies were smoother and had more flavor than straight vodka.  The downside was that the flavor was that of feet.

Guessing which was which was a tough challenge, especially considering neither of us had ever tasted the rye or Canadian whisky before. Mrs. Bottle correctly identified the Johnnie Walker and I was able to get the two bourbons, but we got all the rest wrong.  When it was time to pick our “favorites”, Mrs. Bottle liked the Wild Turkey, and I liked the Maker’s Mark.  This was sort of like picking your favorite deadly bacteria (it’s a dead heat between E. coli and MRSA).

Regardless, a winner was chosen and that must be celebrated.  To reach that end, I dipped various body parts into red wax.  Normally we only do that on special occasions and Saturdays.