Drink 118: If You Can Read This, You Were Left Behind

Looks the same
as yesterday but
tastes very different

I don’t know if you’ve heard about it, but today is supposed to be the rapture. In case you are not familiar with Christian theology, the rapture is some kind of deal where the good people go meet Jesus and the rest of us fight to the death Thunderdome-style. At least that’s what I think happens, because it turns out I’m not too familiar with Christian theology.  Thus, I was a bit curious as to why today is predicted to be the rapture, so I did some extensive research and learned that it is because a radio host has proved it with math.

Here is the proof:

1. The number five equals "atonement", the number ten equals "completeness", and the number seventeen equals "heaven".
2. Christ is said to have hung on the cross on April 1, 33 AD. The time between April 1, 33 AD and April 1, 2011 is 1,978 years.
3. If 1,978 is multiplied by 365.2422 days (the number of days in a solar year, not to be confused with the lunar year), the result is 722,449.
4. The time between April 1 and May 21 is 51 days.
5. 51 added to 722,449 is 722,500.
6. (5 × 10 × 17)² or (atonement × completeness × heaven)² also equals 722,500

If you are like me, you can’t see a single flaw with that logic.  It is so sound that it allows me to ignore the fact the same person also predicted the world would end in 1994 and even wrote a book about it. He claims that he made a math mistake that time. I put it in my calculator and 722,449 + 51 does indeed equal 722,500.  Quod erat demonstrandum.

This prediction clearly was
not proved with math

Anyhoodle, the whole shebang happens at 6:00 PM local time so I still have a few more hours before I will need to break out my boomstick and start defending the Bottle Wonderland Estate from the rest of the heathens.  I’m not sure how much heart I will put into it though, because I will probably be lonely after Mrs. Bottle gets called up.  At least I won’t have to hear her singing “Snow” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers like she has been doing non-stop for the last week.  I try to find the bright side in things.

If she does get called up, this could be the end of TBIAW, as she does most of the work.  It is too bad that the probable last drink in our anthology is the Godchild (how fitting), a mix of amaretto, vodka, and cream. I thought it mostly tasted like burning and amaretto, which also happen to be the two flavors in Hell.  Mrs. Bottle thought it was pretty good, though.  Her only complaint was that it tasted a little too amaretto-y.  I’m sure when she is with the Lord that no drink will be too amaretto-y.

Of course if none of this happens I will feel quite the fool at 6:01 PM.

Overall Rating for the Godchild

Taste: 3
Presentation: 2
Ease of Preparation: 4
Drinks Until Rapture: 6 – 20% Alcohol

Ingredients

1 oz Vodka
1 oz Amaretto
1 oz Heavy Cream

Drink 117: What's White and White and White All Over?

So white it
broke my camera

For the third time this week, we have a drink that features cream.  Some of you may recall that we already had a cream-themed week this year and you may think that we forgot.  I assure you we did not.  It just so happens that Mrs. Bottle opened a carton of cream and we hate to waste food so we are having a lot of creamy drinks this week.  Spoiler Alert: More cream tomorrow!

Today’s creamy concoction is the Peppermint Stick, a combination of peppermint schnapps, crème de cacao, and light cream (we used half and half).  This drink was very good, one of the better cream drinks we’ve had so far.  It had a nice combination of peppermint and chocolate.  The only downside is that mint-flavored drinks don’t really go with any other foods.  It certainly did not mesh well with the orange chicken I was eating at the time.  It might be good with some chocolate cake.

Artist Conception

The other quibble is the presentation.  The drink actually looked pretty nifty with its whiter-than-white color.  The problem is that a traditional peppermint stick has a red stripe and the Peppermint Stick had no stripe of any color.  They need to do something to add some red or change the name to something more appropriate.  I suggest The Albino Peppermint.

Overall Rating for the Peppermint Stick

Taste: 4

Presentation: 3 – Looks kind of cool but nothing like a peppermint stick

Ease of Preparation: 4

Drinks Until Blackout: 7– 16% Alcohol

Ingredients

1 oz Peppermint Schnapps

1.5 oz Crème de Cacao

1 oz Light Cream

Day 23: Grin and Bear It

As white as Tattoo's suit

Close your eyes and imagine you just won a vacation. Now open them back up so you can read the rest of this.  You arrive at a lush tropical island in a small sea plane and are greeted by a handsome man in a striking white suit. Adjusting your gaze upward, you notice a taller handsome man dressed identically to his diminutive associate.  You suddenly feel an urge to buy a Chrysler Cordoba with Corinthian Leather.  “Our dear guests, I am your host Mr. Roarke. Welcome to Fantasy Island,” he exclaims.

The man explains that your every fantasy will be fulfilled but warns you that once the fantasy begins even he is powerless to stop it so you should be careful.  Giddy with excitement you ignore his warning and begin your adventure.  You soon learn that everything on Fantasy Island isn’t what it appears to be even though you were just warned two sentences ago. No matter what your fantasy, it will take a dark turn and put you in an uncomfortable place.  It may end well, but you will learn a valuable lesson.  This is exactly the same as the Week of Cream.

For Day 6 of the WoC we selected the Russian Bear, a mix of vodka, crème de cocoa, and cream.  It is pretty similar to the Russian Cocktail we previously reviewed but it substitutes cream for gin.  That is a trade down in my opinion.  During preparation, this drink is stirred instead of shaken.  The reason to stir a drink is that it keeps the ice from breaking down into the liquid and keeps air out of the drink.  This leads to a clearer look and a smoother mouth feel.  Of course the Russian Bear has cream in it so it isn’t clear.  In fact it looked just like milk when we poured it into the glass.

Didn't know he was Russian

The drink was quite smooth and tasty and one of the better ones we have had to date. Mrs. Bottle thought the only way to improve it would be to add Kahlua, which she thinks improves everything.  If she had added Kahlua, the drink would no longer be a Russian Bear; it would be an Alexander the Great.  Maybe we can try that during Cream Week II: The Wrath of Khream. 

Overall Rating for the Russian Bear

Taste: 4

Ease of Preparation: 4

Presentation: 3

Drinks until blackout: 5 – clocks in at over 26% alcohol

Ingredients:

1 oz. Vodka

.5 oz. Crème de Cocoa

1 tbsp. Light Cream

Day 22: New World Order

All it needs is less Galliano

We are on day 5 of the Week of Cream and today we feature the unwelcome return of Galliano.  The Galliano is joined by orange juice, triple sec, and half and half in the Golden Dream.  You may recall that the last time we tried Galliano we exposed the fact that it looks like lemon but tastes like licorice.  We also blew the lid off their trick bottle that only holds half the amount you might expect.  Those were nothing compared to today’s bombshell.

On the first page of the Galliano web site it says:

Galliano is all that is great about Italy. A love of authentic craftsmanship combined with flair and imagination. A belief in doing things the right way, never cutting corners.

A TBIAW inquiry revealed this nugget cleverly hidden on the front of the bottle:

Product of Holland?  So "all that is great about Italy" is a Product of Holland. I think this may be proof that Galliano is affliated with the Illuminati, the Freemasons, and the Trilateral Commission.  The quest for a One World Government is the only possible explantion to the question "how is Italy=Holland?" Fortunately, there is still hope.  You may have heard that the cast of Jersey Shore is headed to Italy to investigate.  If anyone can get to the bottom of this situation, it is JWoww.  I look forward to reading her report.  I hope it also clears up the difference between Holland and The Netherlands.

Somehow we managed to push this controversy to the back of our minds and prepare a Golden Dream.  The drink had a pleasant canary yellow color and a bouquet of orange and anise.  It had a flavor similar to a Creamsicle with a little bit of a licorice bite at the finish.  Both Mrs. Bottle and I enjoyed it, but she thought it would be better with less Galliano.  I suspect she would support a complete elimination.

Maybe we could replace the Galliano with maple syrup.

Overall Rating for the Golden Dream

Taste: 3

Ease of Preparation: 4

Presentation: 3

Drinks until blackout: 8 – Only 16% alcohol

Ingredients:

1 tbsp. Orange Juice

.5 oz. Triple Sec

1 oz. Galliano

1 tbsp. Light Cream

Day 21: You Can Be My Cowgirl

Giddy Up! It’s Day 4 of the Week of Cream and we are trying the Cowboy Cocktail, a mix of bourbon and cream.  We haven’t had much luck with whisky-based drinks up to this point, but I had high hopes for the Cowboy Cocktail and I wasn’t disappointed. The cream really complimented the smoky malt flavor of the Maker’s Mark.  It was so good that I threw out all my gin and I am starting a campaign to make whisky a required part of the food pyramid.


How Now Brown Cowboy



I wrote that last paragraph before we tried the Cowboy Cocktail. I was trying to use the power of positive blogging, but it didn’t work.  We didn’t really like the Cowboy Cocktail, but I think we made some progress because we didn’t hate it.  Actually that’s not quite true.  Mrs. Bottle hated it, but I only found it mildly unpleasant.   I think using Maker’s Mark instead of Wild Turkey may have helped.  It seemed smoother, but maybe I got suckered in by the lovely red wax-dipped bottle. Regardless, the bourbon actually went pretty well with the cream.  You definitely tasted whisky, though.  I could see a real whisky drinker finding this pretty enjoyable.

As for the name, we couldn’t find out why this drink was called the Cowboy Cocktail, so we were forced to speculate.  Is it because cream comes from cows and cowboys love whisky?  A lot of cocktails are invented by the liquor companies to sell more product.  Maybe the Dairy Council ginned up this one in order to sell more cream?  Perhaps two cowboys were sitting around the campfire one night discussing the real danger of osteoporosis and realized that by mixing cream and bourbon that they could both relax and get much needed calcium.  They could then make sweet love in a tent.  That seems like the most likely scenario.

"Your Bones Seem Brittle"

Anyhow, After Mrs. Bottle had moved on to wine, I thought I could make the Cowboy Cocktail more palatable to me by adding one more ingredient.  My first thought was to add the juice from a Polish sausage and call it a Family Tradition.  I didn’t have a Polish sausage handy, though.  My second thought was to add maple syrup. It turns out that is actually a real drink called the Kicking Cow.  I mixed in a little syrup and it was actually pretty good. I suggested to Mrs. Bottle that maybe I could learn to like whisky.

She said, “Sure, just add maple syrup to everything”.  Sounds like a good idea to me.


Overall Rating for the Cowboy Cocktail

Taste: 2 (3 if you add maple syrup)
Ease of Preparation: 4
Presentation: 3 – Pedestrian
Drinks until blackout: 4 – 34% Alcohol.


Ingredients:

1.5 oz. Bourbon
.5 oz. Light Cream

Day 20: Gold Drank

At The Bottle Is a Wonderland our main focus is making the reader happy.  When we receive a reader request we make every effort to honor it as long as it fits in with what we already have planned.  We recently received this request:

“I want you to try a Golden Cadillac and let me know if it's as awful as I remember”

You would have to be a callous jerk to ignore such a well-reasoned and thoughtful request. It really tugged at our heart strings.  Not to mention that the Golden Cadillac contains cream and fits right in with our Week of Cream.



Off-White Cadillac


Besides cream, the Golden Cadillac also has crème de cocoa (white), and Galliano. When I saw those ingredients I thought to myself, “Self, this is going to taste good.”  The chocolate flavor of the crème de cocoa would mix nicely with the cream and the banana flavor of the Galliano.  Or does Galliano taste like lemon?  I knew it was yellow so it had to be one of those so either way it would complement chocolate and cream.  It turns out that the yellow is some kind of trick because Galliano’s primary flavor component is anise.  Anise is what you would think of as licorice flavor. When I learned this I thought to myself, “Self, this is going to taste bad.”



We headed to the store and picked up some Galliano, which comes in its famous stupid skinny bottle.  As far as I can tell, the main reason the bottle is so skinny is to disguise that you are paying $21 for a 375 ml bottle of hooch by making it the same height as a 750 ml bottle.  You could get a half gallon of Aristocrat Vodka for $21 and have enough left over for a $5 footlong. Since we are going to need Galliano for many other drinks on our journey, we coughed up the cash (see right sidebar).  As is our custom, Mrs. Bottle and I sampled the Galliano straight before mixing it.  It definitely had a strong anise component, but it wasn’t as strong as Sambuca.  Mrs. Bottle thought it tasted like medicine and I couldn’t fully disagree.  I like licorice, though, and didn’t find the flavor unpleasant.  It was certainly better than Robitussin.

Used in a Purple Cadillac

We tossed the ingredients into the Magic Bullet (a TBIAW first) and combined them with some crushed ice.  After blending, we strained into a chilled champagne flute.  That is actually a lot tougher than it sounds.  It required dexterity and a funnel.  We both thought the drink smelled atrocious.  We were still hopeful that, much like Spaghetti-O’s, the Golden Cadillac would smell bad but taste delicious.  It was not delicious.  It wasn’t horrible, but we just didn’t think the chocolate and anise flavors complemented each other well.   We were hoping it would be a little better.  After all, it was invented at a barbecue stand and most are known for their mixed drinks.

To definitively answer the question, “is the Golden Cadillac as awful as I remember?” we say, “How the hell would we know?”

Overall Rating for the Golden Cadillac

 

Taste: 2

Ease of Preparation: 2

Presentation: 4 – Mostly because the champagne flute classes it up

Drinks until blackout: 6 – At around 21% alcohol it would take a few.

Ingredients:

1 oz. Galliano

2 oz. Crème de Cocoa (White)

1 oz. Light Cream

Day 19: Pepto-Dismol

No coat, no soothe, no relieve

Mrs. Bottle loves Pepto-Bismol.  Our medicine cabinet is fully stocked with regular Pepto, Pepto Max, and Pepto in pill form for those times when a liquid is inconvenient.  She is always trying to get me to take it.  Upset stomach?  Take some Pepto.  Intestinal distress?  Take some Pepto.  Concussion?  Take some Pepto.  She doesn’t even care that it turns your tongue and your stool black.  I thought that she might love Pepto-Bismol more than anyone on the planet, but I was wrong.

The person who invented the Pink Creole must love Pepto-Bismol more. So much so that he (or she) created a drink that is a tribute to it. I don’t know why anyone would intentionally make a drink look like that unless they were in love with Pepto.  You may recall that this is the Week of Cream and all of our drinks this week will contain cream.   The Pink Creole only has a teaspoon of cream.  It also has a teaspoon of grenadine (damn you, grenadine!).  I can’t see any other purpose in adding such small amounts of those ingredients except to change the presentation.  They certainly didn’t noticeably impact the flavor.

The other components of the Pink Creole are light rum and lime juice. We went with real lime juice this time, as we were tired of accusations of being green plastic lime apologists.  I tried the real lime juice and the plastic lime juice straight just to see the difference as well.  The real lime juice indeed tasted better with a more authentic citrus flavor, but I don’t think it was any less sour.  It also didn’t make the drink as a whole any less sour. When Mrs. Bottle tasted the Pink Creole, her first words were “that’s awful”.  I didn’t think it was very good, either, but I wouldn’t say it was awful.  It was quite sour, though, with a strong alcohol finish. 

The recipe also called for a garnish of a black cherry soaked in rum.  I’m not sure why this garnish was necessary since you can’t see it submerged in the milky pinkness of the drink.  We didn’t have any black cherries sitting around, so we substituted a maraschino cherry soaked in rum.  When I bit into it, it reminded me of the first chew of a piece of Freshen-up Gum.  Instead of squirting a cool mint center, there was a rum explosion.

Rum Gum?

Overall Rating for the Pink Creole:

 

Taste: 2

Ease of Preparation: 3 – Requires some forethought to soak a cherry.

Presentation: 1

Drinks until blackout: 5 – A little over 25% alcohol

Ingredients:

1.5 oz Light Rum

1 tbsp. Lime Juice

1 tsp. Grenadine

1 tsp . Light Cream

Day 18: The Glass is Half and Half Full

I said "Week of Cream"!

Mrs. Bottle here once again to kick off the Week of Cream! This sounds kinky, I know, but it actually means 7 days of drinking cocktails made with some form of cream. I’d like to think we’re clever for coming up with a themed week. But we just bought some cream for today’s drink and didn’t want it to go to waste.

Let me first explain the different types of cream. I learned about them while standing in the grocery store looking for the “Light Cream” that wasn’t there. There are several types of cream: Half and Half, Light Cream, Whipping Cream, Heavy Cream, and some others nobody cares about. Obviously ½ & ½ is part milk and part cream. I also learned that even though it’s less fatty than Light Cream (12% vs. 20% fat), they’re interchangeable. I think it’s mainly because Light Cream is just hard to find. Light Cream seems to be the cream of choice in most recipes so looks like it will really be the Week of 3/6 & 3/6 for us.

Today’s cocktail is the Toasted Almond (or TA). Admittedly not a new one for me because I drank these extensively while in college. It’s a mixture of coffee liqueur, amaretto, and cream or milk (or sqrt(.25) & sqrt(.25)). We used Kahlua which is supposed to be the less famous coffee liqueur compared to Tia Maria. That is like saying that Justin Timberlake is the less famous member of  *NSync compared to Joey Fatone. I then learned that Tia Maria’s rise to fame occurred in the 80’s because Iman hawked it in TV ads. As the Tia Maria website explained, she’s sensual and exotic and also David Bowie’s wife.  

We stirred it but this looks cooler

At first I really enjoyed the TA because it took me back to all those nights spent at our local college bars when I was youthful and spry. And then I stopped enjoying it because it took me back to all those nights spent at our local college bars when I was youthful and spry. In my opinion, it’s a heavier, sweet, but very tasty drink. Definitely a chick drink as evidenced by Mr. Bottle’s 2 swigs before declaring he was done. Luckily for the TA, I’m rating it today.

I’m just sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to see how Mr. Bottle enjoys his week of 0.5 & 0.5.

Overall Rating:

Taste: 5
Ease of Preparation: 5
Presentation: 4
Drinks until blackout: 8 - At only 15% alcohol it would take a lot.  Do not try if lactose intolerant.

Ingredients:

1.5 oz Coffee Liqueur
1 oz Amaretto
1.5 oz Half and Half