Drink 98: Who You Gonna Call?



We have found the answer to the
question: "What are two things
you won't do on Sundays this fall?"



The Florida is a mix of gin, kirschwasser, triple sec, orange juice, and lemon juice.  Both Mrs. Bottle and I are both somewhat at a loss as to how to explain the flavor.  The primary component was orange but there were hints of the other ingredients.  When they all came together it just tasted kind of odd.  It wasn’t unpleasant, but it was nothing so amazing that I would seek it out.  I might have it again though, since it is one of the few drinks that call for kirschwasser and we have a whole bottle of that stuff to drink.

I had an idea to call James Hetfield, lead singer of Metallica, and ask him if he knew any good drinks that featured kirschwasser.  I don’t have James’ number, so I just dialed 1-800-METALLICA since that seemed like a logical choice.  Much to my surprise, that was not only not the phone number for James Hetfield, lead singer of Metallica, it was a phone sex line. After a quick session of dirty talk, I became curious as to why 1-800-METALLICA led me to hot one-on-one chat.

James Hetfield,
lead singer of Metallica

It turns out that there is a company that is buying up toll-free numbers and redirecting them to phone sex lines.  According to this article, over 25% of all 1-800 numbers in the US and Canada are owned by PrimeTel Communications and most of them lead to a phone sex service.  Once the customer gets redirected to the phone sex line, he has to give his credit card number before he gets charged.  I feel safe using the pronoun “he” in this context instead of a gender neutral one.

This business model raises a couple of questions.  The first is: Who calls 1-800 numbers anymore?  Between Google and text messages, I thought talking on the phone had had been eliminated.  I suppose there are rare occasions when I might have to call someone, like when my power is out or if I am very lonely. 

Even if you do call one of these numbers, who stays on the line for phone sex when they called 1-800-MINOLTA to ask a question about a camera?  How does that thought process work?  “Oh, I was trying to find out how to set the aperture, but go ahead and tell me what you are wearing.  You can fit your whole fist in your mouth?  That’s a good thing because I have a wide angle lens, baby.”  But I digress.   

I guess enough people do it to make it worth their while.  It seems to me that getting business through trickery is the devil’s work.  I think I will call 1-800-WORSHIP to talk about it.

Overall Rating for the Florida

Taste: 3

Presentation: 1

Ease of Preparation: 3 – Lots of measuring

Drinks Until Blackout: 7 – 17% Alcohol

Ingredients

.5 oz Gin

1.5 tsp Kirschwasser

1.5 tsp Triple Sec

1 oz Orange Juice

1 tsp Lemon Juice

Day 74: Taste My Finger

Drink looks like a lady (finger)

Today we present the Lady Finger, a combination of gin, kirschwasser, and cherry brandy.  This is the third drink we’ve made using kirschwasser but the first one that actually called for it. We decided to have it because Mrs. Bottle is still annoyed by the confusion caused by the similarities in cherry brandy, maraschino liqueur, and kirschwasser and she was determined to find a drink that actually called for kirschwasser.  In an unrelated note, this paragraph just set the Guinness World Record for the most mentions of kirschwasser.

When I hear the term lady finger, the first thing I think of is yummy dessert.  When I think of yummy desserts, the first thing I think of isn’t an Easy-Bake Oven, but it might be in the first 100 things I think if.  Probably not, but I had to have some way to segue into this next bit.  In case you don’t know what an Easy-Bake Oven is, it is a toy oven that uses a 100 watt light bulb to bake little cakes.  I never had one as a child, probably because I was a boy when I was a child.  Some might say I am still a boy, but those people are doo-doo heads.  I did have a set of dishes I played with, though, so I know my parents raised me in a gender-neutral way.  That probably explains why I watch Glee. 

I was always a little jealous of anyone who had an Easy-Bake Oven.  It was not because I wanted to bake a cake. It was because I wanted to eat a cake because I liked to eat cakes.  In fact I still like to eat cakes but now I can just buy a cake if I want one.  Back then I had no money so baking and eating a cake was an attractive option.  Sadly, children today may not have that opportunity.  Starting in 2012, you will no longer be able to purchase a 100 watt bulb.  Since that is the heating element in an Easy-Bake Oven,  this will instantly make 50 years’ worth of Easy-Bake ovens obsolete.  I am sure Al Gore did not understand this particular unintended consequence of the light bulb ban.

This one doesn't use a light bulb,
but we will ignore that inconvenient truth
Image:msn.com

Look, I am as green as the next guy. Mrs. Bottle and I have replaced most of the Bottle Wonderland Estate’s light bulbs with compact florescent lights.  We did this even though our kitchen is now dark for five minutes after we turn on the switch.  We keep the thermostat at 68 in the winter and 80 in the summer even though this means I wear a hoodie from mid-September until mid-May.  I wear a Speedo from June-August, not just because I want to, but also because it is hot in our house. My car gets an eco-friendly 16 MPG and we recycle everything.  What I am trying to say is that we get it.  Incandescent bulbs are bad.  But now we have to give up crappy cakes baked by 6 year olds? That is asking for too much sacrifice.

It was also a sacrifice to drink the Lady Finger just so 8 or 10 people could read this stupid blog.  The drink sucked and we did not enjoy it.  It was cloyingly sweet due to the cherry brandy.  With cherry brandy, much like peach schnapps and Irish cream, a little goes a long way.  This went too far.  That lady should keep her finger to herself.

Overall Rating for the Lady Finger

Taste: 2

Presentation: 4

Ease of Preparation: 4

Drinks Until Blackout: 3 – 37% Alcohol

Ingredients

1 oz Gin

1 oz Kirschwasser

1 oz Cherry Brandy