Drink 170: Who Has Been Putting Out Their Kools on My Floor?

A Stinger is made with brandy and crème de menthe.  We have not tried that and we are not trying it today. Back in February we had the Vodka Stinger which is made with vodka and crème de menthe.  We are not trying that again today.  Instead we have the Scotch Stinger.  It is made with Scotch and crème de menthe.  I think there must be some connection between these drinks since they all have Stinger in the name but I can’t quite put my finger on it.  I may need to set the TBIAW iTeam on it.  We will put that aside for now and move on to the drink.

I used flash in this photo.
It really enhanced the lint
on our backdrop.

Hmm...this is in
all the Stinger
recipes.  Maybe
Mr. DeKuyper knows
the connection.

Anyone who has spent time with Mrs. Bottle knows she is always going on about how mint “makes everything better.”  The Scotch Stinger would really put her mint fanaticism to the test. Why? Because it might have mint but it also contains our most dreaded ingredient (in case you aren’t sure to what I am referring, it is the Scotch).  So far we have had seven drinks with Scotch and their ratings have been 2,2,2,1,1,2,1.  That pattern is like a reverse Fibonacci sequence of suckitude.

 

It turned out that the mint did make the Scotch Stinger almost tolerable. Don’t get me wrong; it was still gross, but probably the least gross Scotch drink so far thanks to the mint. It was kind of like the difference between a menthol cigarette and a regular cigarette.  In either case, I wouldn’t want to kiss you after you had one unless it was extremely late at night.  Anyway, the Scotch Stinger was tasty enough that it allowed us to make it our highest rated Scotch drink (tie).

Overall Rating for the Scotch Stinger

Taste: 2

Presentation: 2 – Kind of looked like a glass of wee

Ease of Preparation: 4

Drinks Until Blackouts: 2 – 38% Alcohol

Ingredients

1.5 oz Scotch

.5 oz Crème de Menthe (white)

Drink 151: Something Borrowed, Something Ew

We frequently try to find the origins of the cocktails we review.  It gives us something to write about and it might give you a nugget of knowledge to drop on someone Cliff Clavin-style when the time is right.  We frequently come a cropper, though, due to the inability of Google to give me what I want.  Instead I get a list of recipes copy-and-pasted from each other or a dozen dumb questions from answers.com or Yahoo Answers where one anonymous dummy gets his or her question answered by some other anonymous dummy. 

Today’s drink the Miami Beach Cocktail was no exception. Since its recipe of Scotch whisky, dry vermouth, and grapefruit juice is similar to the Manhattan’s combination of bourbon, sweet vermouth and bitters I thought we might find an answer.  I figure some very lazy Miamian Miamier Miamiite bartender from Miami named Sonny Tubbs wanted to create a signature drink for his city.  Instead of coming up with something original, he just decided to steal someone else’s recipe and change it a little.  “Oooh, I’ll add grapefruit juice. That will really bring home the beach flavor.”

Someone decided to take
the Manhattan's talents to South Beach

Maybe the drink was actually invented by a bartender in Miami, Ohio, because it didn’t seem very Florida to me.  The grapefruit juice did a reasonable job of masking the Scotch, but it wasn’t enough.  The overall effect was tart feet.  I can see why the inventor might want all evidence scrubbed from the Internet. There wasn’t even a maraschino berry garnish to punch it up.  You might be wondering what a maraschino berry is.  Luckily we have the answer.
 

This image which I named
"maraschino berry" is now
the only place on the web
that references a "maraschino berry"
that does not contain a recipe
from the Absolut web site

During our fruitless (heh) search for the Miami Beach back story, we found a (different) recipe for the drink at the Absolut web site.  Absolut’s drink is garnished with a maraschino berry, which turns out not to be a typo but instead is the name they use for a maraschino cherry.  I think it is also a clever plan to find all the web sites that steal share their recipes since the only references I can find to maraschino berries are all just copies of the Absolut recipes. Can’t these web sites do anything more useful than copy someone else’s work?  They are just lucky that you can’t copyright a list of ingredients.

Ingredients

0.75 oz Scotch Whisky

0.75 oz Dry Vermouth

0.75 oz Grapefruit Juice

Overall Rating for the Miami Beach Cocktail

Taste: 2

Presentation: 3

Ease of Preparation: 4

Drinks Until Blackout: 7 – 19% Alcohol

Drink 123: Not All It's Cracked Up To Be

Do not be deceived
by its looks

We have a few things to discuss today, so let’s start with our latest drink, the Mamie Gilroy, a combination of Scotch whisky, lime juice, and ginger ale.  This was by far the best drink we’ve had that contained Scotch. Unfortunately that is like being the best Dane Cook joke.  In other words, it sucked.  Even the lime juice and ginger ale weren’t enough to save it.  The only redeeming thing about this drink is that we finally polished off our bottle of Johnnie Walker Black.  I think we will try a different brand for our next Scotch.  Feel free to suggest one in the comments.

Why the pot shots?

The Scotch was only the difference between this drink and our last drink the Mamie’s Sister, which used gin as its spirit.  There was actually one other difference: the Mamie’s Sister rated a perfect five.  Going from the Mamie’s Sister to the Mamie Gilroy is like having a date with Marcia Brady and thinking, “Man, she is cute, I wonder if she has any sisters” and then having a date with the New Jan Brady.  Next time I'll stick with Marcia. If replacing gin with Scotch can turn a drink from Marcia to Jan, it makes me wonder if there will ever be a drink with Scotch that tastes good.  I think a Venn diagram of cocktails probably looks like this:

Finding a drink that both contains Scotch and tastes good is like finding a white buffalo.  Or possibly a unicorn.  Or maybe a leprechaun riding a unicorn.  We won’t stop trying though, because that’s who we are.

This is probably more accurate

The other thing I would like to discuss is our new found “fame.”  As noted, we were the Foodista Featured Drink Blog of the Day yesterday.  We were expecting a lot of new visitors and we were genuinely excited about it.  They might not ever read more than the one featured post, but at least we would get some exposure. I spruced up the place, adding their nifty badge and updating the Top Drinks and the All Drinks lists.  We were ready for the onslaught. It didn’t quite work out that way, though.  The best I can tell from Blogger’s stats is that we got about a dozen clicks from Foodista.  A dozen!  I haven’t been this let down since Mrs. Bottle told me she wanted to do a downward dog with me and I found out it was yoga.

Reenactment
img: hotandhealthymom.com
Formerly known as fitmilfs.com

I can’t blame Foodista, though, since they did put us on their home page all day yesterday.  They also said, “we will also post a couple shout outs on our Twitter and Facebook pages.”  I was shocked that with 110,000+ Twitter followers and almost 25,000 Facebook fans that more people didn’t click through those shout outs.  Except the shout outs never occurred. Maybe I can blame them a little.  Either way, I am keeping the badge.

Overall Rating for the Mamie Gilroy

Taste: 2
Presentation: 4
Ease of Preparation: 5
Drinks Until Blackout: 9 – 12% Alcohol

Ingredients

2 oz Scotch
0.5 oz Lime Juice
Ginger Ale

Drink 91: Jupiter Is Not Aligned With Mars

The dawning of the taste of a sucky drink

You’ve probably heard about the toddler who was served a margarita instead of apple juice at an Applebee’s recently.  You may not have heard about the other toddler who was served sangria instead of orange juice at an Olive Garden two weeks ago.  I don’t think this was a coincidence. I fear it is actually an Al-Qaeda plot to keep our youth perpetually inebriated. Or it could just be that the service is poor at crap restaurants.  Either way we are in big trouble.  While American pre-schoolers are getting drunk, Chinese kids are already smoking, presumably on their way to an apparel factory to hone their work ethic.

Surprisingly, a lawsuit has already been filed in the Applebee’s case.  Among the suit’s claims is that the toddler suffered hangover symptoms for "for a period of days after the incident”.    The kid is 15 months old.  I thought you were supposed to recover from a hangover quickly when you are young.  If it takes him days to recover when he is 15 months old, it is definitely going to be a problem when he is 480 months old.  Trust me.  Maybe he needs some hair of the dog.  The parents should take him to a TGIFriday’s, order him a grape juice, and hope the kid gets served a Jägerbomb by "mistake".

The real problem here is these sweet drinks that the kids end up slurping down.  If they were drinking something sour or horrible in some other way they probably would stop before they got too drunk.  Of course even a 15 month old might want to pound some shots if his play date needed to be livened up.  Never mind that, though.  The point is that this type of mix-up would never happen with the Aquarius, our latest beverage.  The Aquarius is made from Scotch whisky, cherry brandy, and cranberry juice.   I guarantee that if you give this drink to anyone without ageusia they would fyucker at a minimum and possibly spit it on you. Fyucker is a word I just invented that means “to make the ‘who farted?’ face.”  Until now, this was known as “Beamering”. 







A minor fyucker
Image: bleacherreport.com



I can’t really describe how the Aquarius tasted.  Mrs. Bottle exclaimed “this is horrible” when she tried it.  I could only fyucker.   We’ve already established that Scotch sucks.  I’m starting to believe that cherry brandy sucks as well. We know that two wrongs don’t make a right and now we know that two sucks don’t make a right, either.

Overall Rating for Aquarius

Taste: 2

Presentation: 4

Ease of Preparation: 4

Drinks Until Blackout: 5 – 24% Alcohol

Ingredients

1.5 oz Scotch Whisky

0.5 oz Cherry Brandy

1 oz Cranberry Juice

Day 75: Silence Is Not Golden

I think that Mrs. Bottle and I are getting used to drinking these horrible drinks.  The last time we gave a drink a rating of one was on day 48 which is just over a month ago.  Never mind that 75-48=27, just trust me that it has been a month since we have rated anything a one.  I don’t know if TBIAW is suffering from grade inflation or if our palates are getting more refined.  I suppose a third option is that our taste buds are shutting down as a defense mechanism.

The third of the glass that is empty is the silent third

The more astute of you may suspect that I am bringing this up is because our latest drink the Silent Third is going to get a rating of one.  Would we ever have a set-up that was so completely obvious?  The answer is a resounding “yes”.  The Silent Third is our fourth drink with Scotch and the third that has earned a one.  The other one rated a two.  We have had better luck with Irish whiskey and bourbon so it seems that not all whisk(e)ys earn ones. I think we may have discovered that having Scotch in a drink and the drink having a poor rating are highly correlated.  We know that correlation doesn’t equal causation, but in this case it does.



Another bad third

Besides Scotch, the Silent Third also contains triple sec and lemon juice.  I don’t know if it was a lack of will or a lack of ability, but the additional ingredients couldn’t help.  The Scotch overwhelmed them and made the drink taste odd. Mrs. Bottle thought it tasted like feet. She also didn’t understand why anybody would drink Scotch on purpose.  She said a few other witty comments about how terrible the drink was but I didn’t write them down and now I can’t remember them.  Sadly, I do remember what the Silent Third tasted like.




Aha! Scotch ruined Superman III, too!

 

Overall Rating for the Silent Third

Taste: 1

Presentation: 3

Ease of Preparation: 4

Drinks Until Blackout: 5 – 25 % Alcohol

Ingredients

2 oz Scotch Whisky

1 oz Triple Sec

1 oz Lemon Juice

Day 48: Crystal Blech

Breaking Worse

Today’s drink is the Walters, a mix of Scotch whisky, orange juice, and lemon juice.  Mrs. Bottle selected this drink in honor of Walter White, the anti-hero of Breaking Bad, one of our favorite shows.  We have two episodes of Breaking Bad on our DVR right now, so we will be watching some Walters this weekend.  I think we will find those more enjoyable than drinking a Walters.

It has been well established that we are not fans of whisky.  We did like our last whisky drink though, so there was a chance we might like the Walters.  Unfortunately it didn’t work out that way.  The aroma of the drink was primarily Scotch, but there was a hint of citrus.  The flavor was pure terrible.  I thought it tasted vaguely like a cigarette. All Mrs. Bottle could say was how awful it was.  I am used to hearing her say how awful it was and I was glad Walter wasn’t here to hear it and feel the same shame I have.

Note: There will be some Breaking Bad spoilers if you can spoil something that aired 2 years ago

Breaking Bad can sometimes be difficult to watch because the protagonist Walter White is frequently unlikeable.  In this respect he is much like the Walters cocktail. Sometimes I wonder if Walter might be the worst person on TV.  While trying to think of someone worse, there was a repeat of Toddlers and Tiaras on in the background that caught my eye.  For no reason at all, I thought we could list some direct quotes from a mom on that episode and some events from Breaking Bad:

Toddlers and Tiaras: “I decided to put SamiJo in pageants ‘cause that was the whole reason I wanted to have a daughter”

Breaking Bad: Walt strangles Krazy 8 after holding him hostage in the basement

TandT: “When I found out that Sami was a girl I wanted to name her ‘America’. I wanted her name to be Miss America”

BB: Walt lets his partner’s girlfriend choke to death on her own vomit.

TandT: “I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would give me Miss America”.

BB: Walt tries to poison Tuco

TandT: "In Sami’s age group they don’t tend to tan all the babies.  She tends to be the only one."

BB: Walt misses the birth of his daughter because he is making a drug deal

TandT: “A lot of times judges can have problems with babies in full glitz.  They may expect babies to not be spray tanned, to not have make-up so we’re really hoping that they judge for full glitz.”

BB: Walt browbeats his 15 year old son into drinking tequila until he pukes.

TandT: “The baby category is very competitive"

BB: Walt is trying to make enough money to take care of his family.

Ultimately I decided that Walter isn't the worst since he has some redeeming qualities.  I cannot say the same for the Walters.

Not Mr. Bottle
(Image: amctv.com)

Overall Rating for the Walters

Taste: 1

Presentation: 3

Ease of Preparation: 4

Drinks Until Blackout: 5 – 24% Alcohol

Ingredients

1.5 oz Scotch Whisky

1 tbsp Orange Juice

1 tbsp Lemon Juice

Day 31: Loch, Scotch, and Barrel

"Brackish" is not a quality
we look for in a drink

Mrs. Bottle here. I think Mr. Bottle is breathing a sigh of relief that he doesn’t have to write about last night’s drink after almost having to fill in for my weekly turn at the libation review. It turns out that on the 3^rd night in a row of attending some form of event where drinks have a heavy presence, my body turns on me. Maybe it was just the memory of that Pom-Lemonata from the night before but after an hour at a friend’s party, I felt nauseated as hell (someday I’m sure Mr. Bottle will explain to you the difference between being nauseated and nauseous- riveting stuff). But I’ve soldiered on to share the story of today’s drink.

It is the Loch Lomond, a mix of Scotch whisky, peach schnapps, blue Curaçao, grapefruit juice, and lemon juice with a starfruit garnish. Surprisingly, starfruit can't be found in Charlotte in early February so we had to skip it. This concoction sounds odd enough when you feel good, so you can imagine that the idea of drinking it last night was not something I relished. All I wanted to do was to lie on the couch and watch my new favorite show Top Gear on BBC America. I’m not sure why there’s a BBC America on my cable. It’s not like there’s a huge surplus of British immigrants in the US, right? The only thing I can surmise is that we Americans must think England is some sort of mystical place where all your dreams come true. Like Disneyworld. Must just be those accents. Just listening to The Stig speak made me feel better and up for the taste test.

How can a duck
hand-squeeze?

The Loch Lomond is unremarkable in every way except for taste, smell, and appearance. I thought it smelled like an old shoe. It was the color of greenish sea water, perhaps similar to the Scottish lake it was named after? And the taste? It was odd, having a prominent grapefruit juice flavor with some sort of weird chemical flavor at the end. I couldn’t really make out the Scotch but Mr. Bottle thought he detected it. While he also thought there was something off, he believed he could actually drink it if he hadn’t already had his fill of alcohol. As for that peculiar taste at the end, he thought our 10 year old peach schnapps might be bad. I just wondered if Donald Duck brand grapefruit juice might not have been the best option to choose.

Ultimately, my opinion is that the Loch Lomond is just bloody awful.

Overall Rating for the Loch Lomond

Taste: 2  - Mr. Bottle could have drunk it or this would be a solid 1

Presentation: 2  - Starfruit may have pushed it to a 3

Ease of Preparation: 3 - Starfruit might have pushed it to a 2

Drinks Until Blackout: 8 - Only 13% alcohol 

Ingredients

1 oz Scotch Whisky

.5 oz Peach Schnapps

1 oz Blue Curaçao

3 oz Grapefruit Juice

.5 oz Lemon Juice

Day 10: My Cousin Fonzie

Canal Street Daisy

The Canal Street Daisy is probably the worst drink I have ever tried.  It is composed of Scotch whisky (we used Johnny Walker Black), orange juice, lemon juice, and club soda.  The Daisy dethroned the previous nadir, a drink called “Oddly Purple Toes” I had over 15 years ago.   That I remember that drink and that this one was worse should tell you something. 

I can’t adequately describe how foul this was.  As previously noted, We are not whisk(e)y drinkers, but we don’t think that was the problem as the whisky flavor didn’t dominate.  The drink tasted vaguely chemical and/or like old dishwater.  Squeezing the orange garnish into the drink changed nothing!  Mrs. Bottle summed it up when she asked, “why would anyone choose to drink this?”  I don’t know, sweetie. We couldn’t even finish it between the two of us so we violated our “no wasting” policy and poured it out.  I’m surprised our sink didn’t spit it back up.  Mrs. Bottle was then so discombobulated that she broke my favorite gin-drinking glass. It was an all-around tragic day.

It gets worse.  I also realized that the key element of My Cousin Vinny is a straight rip-off of an episode of

For some reason this Skylark
is in Germany but it still doesn't
have positraction

Happy Days called “Fonzie for the Defense”.  You may recall the great scene in the My Cousin Vinny where Marisa Tomei explains that the two utes could not have been the thieves because the getaway car had positraction and the defendants’ car (a 1964 Buick Skylark) did NOT have positraction.   Because of this key mechanical difference in the cars, the thief had to have been someone else! This fact blew the whole case wide open and also made Marisa Tomei an Oscar winner.  Probably the second greatest testimony scene in movie history after Colonel Jessup admitting he ordered the code red (spoiler alert!). 

You probably aren’t as familiar with “Fonzie for the Defense” as you are with My Cousin Vinny.  In that notable episode, the Fonz and Mr. C get called for jury duty.  The accused is an African American biker named Jason Davis who is accused of a drive-by purse snatching.  The jury, led by the racist Burch, is ready to convict even though Fonzie protests that they only have “circumventive” evidence.  After Fonzie fails to convince the other jurors, he is ready to go along with the rest and vote guilty until he notices something in the transcript…Jason Davis rode a rare British motorcycle that had a left-hand throttle.  The witnesses reported that the purse snatcher held the purse aloft in his left hand while accelerating away. Because of this key mechanical difference in the cars motorcycles, the thief had to have been someone else!  This convinces the jury that Davis is innocent and they immediately vote not guilty.  The audience also learns a valuable lesson in racial tolerance.  I learned that Happy Days doesn’t really hold up very well.  Oh, and that this is pretty much the same thing as the scene in My Cousin Vinny.

Now I (and you) have to live with the fact that the great My Cousin Vinny scene is tainted. At least you didn't have to drink a Canal Street Daisy  

Ratings on a 10-point scale:

Taste: 1

Ease of Preparation: 6 – Had to slice that orange

Presentation: 8 – We will admit it looks nice

Drinks until blackout: 1 – Purely based on the taste