Greetings and welcome to the 2011 TBIAW Holiday Gift Guide! Some poor misguided souls might think that mid-January 2012 is too late for a 2011 holiday gift guide. Those people do not work for the US Postal Service. Here in the cosmopolitan Charlotte Metroplex, home of such landmarks as the Bottle is a Wonderland Estate, South Carolina, and the NASCAR Hall of Fame, people are still receiving mail from November. This is why I always use FedEx to deliver transplant organs.
Sadly, Mrs. Bottle and I were victims of this horrible tragedy of delayed mail. I did not receive my December 16th issue of Forbes magazine until January 7th. This was an important one, too, for it contained the annual ForbesLife Gift Guide. I rely on this each year to help me figure out what luxury items to purchase for Mrs. Bottle. Had this issue arrived on time I would have known that the Burgundy Persian-lamb Wulling jacket by the Row ($12,000 – Barneys) should be under the tree. Instead Mrs. Bottle received a White Chinese-polyester jacket by the Wal-Mart ($43.99 – Wal-Mart). In fact, my issue was so late that Barneys no longer has the clearly superior jacket. Maybe I can find a different one for next year.
I don’t have time to cover everything. It is January after all. I have time to mention a few, though. For men I was going to recommend the Halston Velvet slippers until I saw that they are “price upon request”. Something tells me that they will be more than these superior ones. Alternately you could get this $7,000 ping pong table. It is actually a good deal because it doubles as a
beer pong table dining room table so you are getting two pieces of furniture for the price of one. Its 900 pounds of concrete could also be useful if you ever need to make sure a body never floats to the surface. You are practically losing money by not owning one.
For the audiophile in your life they suggest the Basis Inspiration Turntable. A turntable? Seriously? People who insist on vinyl can be kind of annoying. I’m guessing that people who insist on vinyl and own a $54,000 turntable are probably not an exception. For the same price as that turntable you could buy a USB turntable to convert your precious records to MP3 and 215 160GB iPods so you can listen to them.
Finally, for those of you with precious darling children, they bring you $1,200 ladybug earrings. I say go for it. If you think you can't afford it go ahead and use the college fund money. It will pay off. When you have to get a doctor to remove thousands of dollars of jewelry from your little angel’s nose it will create a fun story for years to come. College can’t teach you those kind of life experiences.
|Vampire Eric really|
wishes he had legs
so he could get a sip
Overall Rating for Grand Mimosa
Ease of Preparation: 5
Drinks Until Blackout: ??? – The recipe did not give champagne proportions
0.5 oz Grand Marnier
1 oz Orange Juice