Drink 196: Fourget About It

Today is National Drink Wine Day so it seems appropriate that we temporarily awaken from our hibernation and bring forth on this blog a fresh post.   Today is also National Battery Day and I am excited to see what the battery blog has planned.  I’m sure it will be electrifying. Heh.

The can is hard to see because
of the camo.  It is right in the
center of this photograph

In order to celebrate Drink Wine Day, we bring you Four Loko, the Champagne of flavored malt beverages.   “Four Loko? You said that stuff was banned!” is probably what you are thinking right now.  I had been under that impression for months.  That all ended the other day when I was at the local mini mart buying my daily supply of lottery tickets, washer fluid, Twinkies, tree-shaped air fresheners, and Mountain Dew.  It was when I was deciding on the best flavor of Mountain Dew to match my mood that I noticed just one cooler over was a shelf filled with Four Loko.  “Four Loko?” I thought, “I said that stuff was banned”.

I instantly forgot about buying any of that other crap, grabbed a forbidden Four Loko, and sprinted towards the counter.  My excitement level only increased when the cashier accepted my $2.60 and handed me the 23.5 oz can in a brown paper bag.  I immediately took my bag-swaddled can out side, popped it open took a big swig, and began pestering people at the gas pumps to lend me $20 so I could fill my tank. 

Okay, that last part only happened in my mind.  What really happened is that I brought it home and waited for Mrs. Bottle so she could also enjoy the caffeine and alcohol fueled party I was going to have.  While I was waiting for her to get home, I did a little research on Four Loko. What I learned was that it has been unbanned because they removed all the caffeine, taurine, guarana, and all the other stuff that made it cool.  I hadn’t been this disappointed since I learned that Ryan Gosling was snubbed for Sexiest Man Alive.

Seriously? He didn't win?
img: gcdgraphics

At this point, there is very little difference between a Four Loko and a Zima.  I’ve tried to enumerate the differences here:

Zima	Four Loko
Slightly Effeminate Clear Glass Bottle	Badass Faux-Camouflage Can
Not available since 2008	Once banned for being too cool
Between 4-6% alcohol content	12% alcohol content
Loved by young girls	Loved by young bros

The key difference appears to be the alcohol content.  As a frame of reference, drinking one can of Four Loko is the equivalent to drinking 3.85245901639344 Colt 45s.

But how does it taste?  In a word: terrible.  We had the lemonade flavor, which I had judged to have the best chance of being refreshing and delicious.  Clearly I choose poorly.  Mrs. Bottle said, “when I first put it in my mouth it wasn’t bad, but then it tasted horrible.”  Insert your own joke here.

A plastic cup is the ideal vessel for an ice cold Loko

I tried to finish it, because I hate to see $2.60 go to waste, but I just couldn’t do it.  I got through about half the can (or 1.926229508 Colt 45’s worth) before I threw in the towel and threw away the can.  All I was left with were regrets and a slight buzz.

Overall Rating for Four Loko Lemonade

Taste: 1

Presentation: 1

Ease of Preparation: 5

Drinks Until Blackout: 3 Cans (11.55737705 Colt 45s)

Ingredients

23.5 oz Four Loko

1 Solo Cup