|The can is hard to see because|
of the camo. It is right in the
center of this photograph
I instantly forgot about buying any of that other crap, grabbed a forbidden Four Loko, and sprinted towards the counter. My excitement level only increased when the cashier accepted my $2.60 and handed me the 23.5 oz can in a brown paper bag. I immediately took my bag-swaddled can out side, popped it open took a big swig, and began pestering people at the gas pumps to lend me $20 so I could fill my tank.
Okay, that last part only happened in my mind. What really happened is that I brought it home and waited for Mrs. Bottle so she could also enjoy the caffeine and alcohol fueled party I was going to have. While I was waiting for her to get home, I did a little research on Four Loko. What I learned was that it has been unbanned because they removed all the caffeine, taurine, guarana, and all the other stuff that made it cool. I hadn’t been this disappointed since I learned that Ryan Gosling was snubbed for Sexiest Man Alive.
|Seriously? He didn't win?|
At this point, there is very little difference between a Four Loko and a Zima. I’ve tried to enumerate the differences here:
Slightly Effeminate Clear Glass Bottle
Badass Faux-Camouflage Can
Not available since 2008
Once banned for being too cool
Between 4-6% alcohol content
12% alcohol content
Loved by young girls
Loved by young bros
The key difference appears to be the alcohol content. As a frame of reference, drinking one can of Four Loko is the equivalent to drinking 3.85245901639344 Colt 45s.
But how does it taste? In a word: terrible. We had the lemonade flavor, which I had judged to have the best chance of being refreshing and delicious. Clearly I choose poorly. Mrs. Bottle said, “when I first put it in my mouth it wasn’t bad, but then it tasted horrible.” Insert your own joke here.
|A plastic cup is the ideal vessel for an ice cold Loko|
Overall Rating for Four Loko Lemonade
Ease of Preparation: 5
Drinks Until Blackout: 3 Cans (11.55737705 Colt 45s)
23.5 oz Four Loko
1 Solo Cup