Day 13: You Got Your Apple in My Cinnamon



K-Fed Gives it a 3



Take any number.  Now double it and add ten.  Divide it by two and subtract your original number. Did you end up with an answer of five?  If so, congratulations, you now know the maximum score of the new and improved TBIAW drink rating system.  We are scrapping our ten-point scale for a streamlined five-point scale.  This will allow you to better differentiate how good each drink is.  It also lets you display the rating using only one hand, leaving your other hand free to flash gang signs.

Our first drink that aspires to a perfect five is the Hot Cinnamon Roll.  It is hot apple cider and cinnamon schnapps.  Our favorite cinnamon schnapps is Goldschläger, which contains actual gold. I’m not sure what the point of the gold is, but it does give you the rare opportunity to both consume and excrete real gold. Just like Russian billionaires and Oprah.  For the apple cider we used Alpine Spiced Apple Cider.  Don’t think too much about mixing instant cider and Goldschläger or it might cause cognitive dissonance.

After preparing our drink, we topped it with Cool Hwhip and stirred with a cinnamon stick.  According to Mr. Boston, the Hot Cinnamon Roll should be served in an Irish coffee glass.  Since we don’t own an Irish coffee glass, we instead went with a clear acrylic Freddie Mac mug.  It used to be opaque but became transparent in an effort to stay ahead of pending legislation.

Our Fannie Mae Mug Was Dirty

This was our first hot drink and the good news is that it didn't set the bar impossibly high so all others are let downs.  I thought the cinnamon overwhelmed the cider.  Mrs. Bottle said that “if it didn’t have that weird apple-cidery taste to it, it would be good.”   I can't believe I married someone so different from me.

She also pointed out that cinnamon sticks are ridiculously expensive. I'm not sure if that has any bearing on the drink, but it needed to be said. Maybe next time we will skip the apple cider and the cinnamon stick and just drink straight Goldschläger.

Overall rating: 

Taste: 3

Ease of Preparation: 3

Presentation: 3

Drinks until blackout: 10 - At only 8% alcohol, it would take a lot of these.  Oh, and this metric is on an ∞ point scale

Day 12: From Russia With Lush

At the Bottle Wonderland Estate we have an abundance of guest bedrooms.  Occasionally a guest occupies one of them and yesterday was one of those times.  In honor of our esteemed visitor we made twice our normal number of drinks (1) and invited her to be a guest taster.  It was sort of like when Anthony Bourdain guest judges on Top Chef, only our guest judge is not a douche.

Cold and Frosty Like a Russian Winter

We ended up choosing the Russian Cocktail and the Stockholm 75. The Russian Cocktail is equal parts vodka, gin, and crème de cacao.  We were expecting an abomination, but it was actually pretty good.  Our guest judge raved, “smells interesting” and “yeah, I don’t know”.  Mrs. Bottle took a sip and gushed, “it’s not as bad as I expected”.   It had a nice chocolate finish, but with an alcohol content of almost 40% it is no girlie drink.  Ivan Drago told Rocky, “I must break you”.  About 3 Russian Cocktails would do the trick.

Next up was the Stockholm 75. That is kind of an odd name for a drink so we did some research. The best we could determine was that the drink was named after the Red Army Faction's1975 siege of the German Embassy in Stockholm.  I’m really looking forward to trying other drinks named after sieges. I bet the Stalingrad 1942 is delicious. 

The Stockholm 75 recipe calls for citrus flavored vodka, lemon juice, simple syrup, and Champagne.  We would never sully high- end Champagne in a mixed drink, so we broke out the Rondel Cava.  “Cava” roughly translates from Spanish as “cheap sparkling wine”. This cava is only $8 a bottle but it easily tastes as good as a $9.50 bottle.   Like most siege-based drinks, it is served in a sugar-rimmed glass.  We all found this drink delicious and our best one to date.  It might have something to do with the carbonation.  It might have something to do with having just consumed a Russian Cocktail. 

Fizzier Than It Looks

There were a number of firsts for this entry:

1.     First guest judge

B.     First time making multiple drinks

3.     First time we liked a drink enough to make more than one.

That’s right, both our guest judge and Mrs. Bottle liked the Stockholm 75 enough to have a second one.  They both eschewed the sugar rim on the second since Mrs. Bottle felt the sugar rim made the drink sugary.

It is hard to argue with that logic. 

Ratings on a 10-point scale:

Russian Cocktail

Taste: 7

Ease of Preparation: 8

Presentation: 9 – Simple and classic

Drinks until blackout: 3

Stockholm 75

Taste: 10

Ease of Preparation: 6

Presentation: 8 – Our lack of rimming skill held it back

Drinks until blackout: 6 – Only 12% alcohol but the bubbles might go to your head

"My God, it's full of bubbles"

Back by popular demand, we continue our semi-regular TBIAW feature where we ignore our premise of making a Mr. Boston drink each day and instead review a drink (or two) from a local establishment.  And by “popular demand” I mean “Mrs. Bottle demands we actually do something outside the house.”  I was willing to bow to the will of the people.

You may recall that last week we went to a local Mexican restaurant.  We wanted to mix it up this week, so instead of going to a local Mexican restaurant, we went to a chain Mexican restaurant.  I am looking forward to next week when we go to Taco Bell.

I have friends who decry chain restaurants as soulless pits of mediocre food that cater to the lowest common denominator.  To those friends I say, “oh yeah?” I probably need to improve my retorts.  Regardless, we enjoy their food and there happens to be one near the Bottle Wonderland estate so it is quite convenient as well.  We enjoy eating at the bar for enhanced people watching.  One area where On the Border is definitely above average is the margarita menu.  They have around a dozen different selections and several are very good.

His and Hers



Mrs. Bottle chose the Perfect Patrón Margarita, which is a mixture of Patrón Silver, Patrón Citrónage, and angel tears.  It is sweeter than a “classic” margarita, but not overly so.  It really is the baby bear of sweetness and it is the standard by which we measure all other margaritas.  It comes in at around $10 but it is worth it.  If you eat four or five bowls of the free chips and salsa you are actually getting quite a bargain.   



Artist's Rendition

I usually order the Perfect Patrón as well but I went a different way and got the Mexican Mojito instead.  According to the menu it is 1800 Silver Tequila, Cointreau, mint, agave nectar, and a splash of soda.  In other words, it is a margarita with mint and fizz.  I felt like kind of a tool ordering a mojito but, like any great scientist, I was willing to risk my reputation in the name of research.  The risk was worthwhile as the drink actually turned out to be quite good.  The mint was noticeable but subtle and the carbonation was a nice touch.  As an aside, I cannot emphasize enough how much I love carbonation. Carbonation makes everything taste better, much like deep frying does. I recently learned that there are taste receptors for carbonation and my tongue must be loaded with them. 

So now that you are thinking about my tongue, I bid you adieu.



Day 11: Peppermint Catty

My cat likes to smell my breath.  After I’ve eaten, she will get all up in my grill and start sniffing intently.  If I open my mouth she will practically stick her whole head in there.  It is kind of funny unless she hits my lip with her gross wet nose.  Who knows the last place that thing was?

Reenactment

Right after we had the Peppermint Iceberg, she tried this routine.  As she approached, I opened wide and she immediately recoiled.  I’m sure others have recoiled after smelling my breath, but this time it was different.  You see, the cat hates mint and this drink packs a lot of it. In fact, that is all it is:  Peppermint schnapps on the rocks with a peppermint stick as a stirrer.

We keep a wide variety of flavored sticks

The primary factor in whether you like this drink is if you like mint.  The second factor is the quality of the schnapps.  We used DeKuyper.  I  think DeKuyper is fine but I’m not sure it is really the greatest quality in the world. It does seem to be the most ubiquitous (thank you spell check!).   I tried to see if there is a “top shelf” peppermint schnapps but I didn’t find one.   It does turn out that you can make your own but it looks like a lot of work.  Plus, the recipe takes 45 days to complete.  That is way beyond my attention span. If someone sends me a YouTube video longer than 45 seconds I won’t even watch it.  I will send them back an e-mail telling them how great it was, though.

Other than the mint, the key characteristic of the Peppermint Iceberg is that it is cold. Don’t try this drink if you already have a chill or you might get hypothermia.  You might not care though since you will have fresh breath.  Oh my gosh, I just realized that it is probably called the Peppermint Iceberg because peppermint is minty and icebergs are cold!  Too bad they didn’t take into account that most of the ice in our glass was above the surface. Totally not like an iceberg at all.  Ha!

Ratings on a 10-point scale:

Taste: 7

Ease of Preparation: 9 – Would be a 10, but you might have trouble with the peppermint stick

Presentation: 7

Drinks until blackout: 4 – The drink is all schnapps and comes in at 30% alcohol

Day 10: My Cousin Fonzie

Canal Street Daisy

The Canal Street Daisy is probably the worst drink I have ever tried.  It is composed of Scotch whisky (we used Johnny Walker Black), orange juice, lemon juice, and club soda.  The Daisy dethroned the previous nadir, a drink called “Oddly Purple Toes” I had over 15 years ago.   That I remember that drink and that this one was worse should tell you something. 

I can’t adequately describe how foul this was.  As previously noted, We are not whisk(e)y drinkers, but we don’t think that was the problem as the whisky flavor didn’t dominate.  The drink tasted vaguely chemical and/or like old dishwater.  Squeezing the orange garnish into the drink changed nothing!  Mrs. Bottle summed it up when she asked, “why would anyone choose to drink this?”  I don’t know, sweetie. We couldn’t even finish it between the two of us so we violated our “no wasting” policy and poured it out.  I’m surprised our sink didn’t spit it back up.  Mrs. Bottle was then so discombobulated that she broke my favorite gin-drinking glass. It was an all-around tragic day.

It gets worse.  I also realized that the key element of My Cousin Vinny is a straight rip-off of an episode of

For some reason this Skylark
is in Germany but it still doesn't
have positraction

Happy Days called “Fonzie for the Defense”.  You may recall the great scene in the My Cousin Vinny where Marisa Tomei explains that the two utes could not have been the thieves because the getaway car had positraction and the defendants’ car (a 1964 Buick Skylark) did NOT have positraction.   Because of this key mechanical difference in the cars, the thief had to have been someone else! This fact blew the whole case wide open and also made Marisa Tomei an Oscar winner.  Probably the second greatest testimony scene in movie history after Colonel Jessup admitting he ordered the code red (spoiler alert!). 

You probably aren’t as familiar with “Fonzie for the Defense” as you are with My Cousin Vinny.  In that notable episode, the Fonz and Mr. C get called for jury duty.  The accused is an African American biker named Jason Davis who is accused of a drive-by purse snatching.  The jury, led by the racist Burch, is ready to convict even though Fonzie protests that they only have “circumventive” evidence.  After Fonzie fails to convince the other jurors, he is ready to go along with the rest and vote guilty until he notices something in the transcript…Jason Davis rode a rare British motorcycle that had a left-hand throttle.  The witnesses reported that the purse snatcher held the purse aloft in his left hand while accelerating away. Because of this key mechanical difference in the cars motorcycles, the thief had to have been someone else!  This convinces the jury that Davis is innocent and they immediately vote not guilty.  The audience also learns a valuable lesson in racial tolerance.  I learned that Happy Days doesn’t really hold up very well.  Oh, and that this is pretty much the same thing as the scene in My Cousin Vinny.

Now I (and you) have to live with the fact that the great My Cousin Vinny scene is tainted. At least you didn't have to drink a Canal Street Daisy  

Ratings on a 10-point scale:

Taste: 1

Ease of Preparation: 6 – Had to slice that orange

Presentation: 8 – We will admit it looks nice

Drinks until blackout: 1 – Purely based on the taste

Day 9: The Big Red Stun

The Big Red Hooter sounds like some kind of demon owl, but it is in fact our next drink.  It is made with tequila, amaretto, pineapple juice, and grenadine.  I have to say that on paper, that does not look like a good combination.  In drink form it did not taste like a good combination.  I thought it was just going to be a terrible combination of the tequila flavor and amaretto.  It actually turned out to be cloyingly sweet and virtually undrinkable.  You couldn't even taste the delicious Herradura.  Mrs. Bottle had about two sips and then made herself a vodka tonic.

Protip: Do not do a Google image search for “Big Red Hooter” with safe search off.  You will see some things you can’t un-see.  Now back to the blog.

Our more loyal reader will notice that  almost every drink contains grenadine. Unfortunately this one is no exception. I’ve had more grenadine in the last 10 days than I’ve had in my entire prior life.  I hope the Center for Science in the Public Interest does not declare that grenadine causes cancer or I might as well start planning my funeral now.  Luckily I already have a casket kit on my Amazon.com wish list.

Many times the grenadine is just adding a touch of sweetness and maybe some color. There is an ounce of grenadine in the Big Red Hooter.   That is a lot.  Too much.  A thorough TBIAW investigation has revealed that the grenadine ruined the drink.  

At least it looked pretty. 

Rating on a 10 point scale:

Taste: 3 – Mrs. Bottle thought it might make a decent shooter

Ease of Preparation: 9

Presentation: 7

Drinks until sugar coma: 3 – 10% alcohol and 90% sugar

Day 8: Assailed by the Chief

“A Lemon”

“A Lime”

“A Bad Relationship”

“Vinegar”

“Pickle Juice”

“El Presidente Cocktail No. 1”

That’s right! You win the $20,000!



We are only eight drinks in and we have had three sour attacks on our taste buds.  I minored in math so I know that three out of eight is almost half.  I’m not sure why so many of these drinks are exceedingly acidic, but hopefully one day we will get to the bottom of it. I’m beginning to think the Mr. Boston guide is some kind of sick joke, like those Jelly Belly jellybeans that taste like rotten eggs.

The El Presidente Cocktail No. 1 is a mix of light rum, lime juice, pineapple juice, and grenadine.  Unfortunately the ratio of rum to lime juice is 1:1. Even our delicious Bacardi could not overcome this tart taste terror. 



El Presidente William Howard Taft



Sadly, we actually made a double batch of this drink so it would not look ridiculous in our muy gordo glass.  Since today isn’t “Masochist Monday”, we weren’t about to drink the whole thing as-is.  We were also reluctant to pour it out when there are so many thirsty people in the world, so we decided to rebuild it – we had the technology.  We first added a little more pineapple juice.  This was like putting lipstick on the proverbial pig.  We then added a spoonful of simple syrup. And another. And another.  After about 3 tablespoons of syrup it finally became potable.

I certainly hope that this El Presidente is a one termer.

Rating on a 10 point scale:

Taste: 2

Ease of Preparation: 8

Presentation: 5

Drinks until blackout: 8 – Only 17% alcohol, but the sour taste leaves you wanting less.