Drink 91: Jupiter Is Not Aligned With Mars

The dawning of the taste of a sucky drink

You’ve probably heard about the toddler who was served a margarita instead of apple juice at an Applebee’s recently.  You may not have heard about the other toddler who was served sangria instead of orange juice at an Olive Garden two weeks ago.  I don’t think this was a coincidence. I fear it is actually an Al-Qaeda plot to keep our youth perpetually inebriated. Or it could just be that the service is poor at crap restaurants.  Either way we are in big trouble.  While American pre-schoolers are getting drunk, Chinese kids are already smoking, presumably on their way to an apparel factory to hone their work ethic.

Surprisingly, a lawsuit has already been filed in the Applebee’s case.  Among the suit’s claims is that the toddler suffered hangover symptoms for "for a period of days after the incident”.    The kid is 15 months old.  I thought you were supposed to recover from a hangover quickly when you are young.  If it takes him days to recover when he is 15 months old, it is definitely going to be a problem when he is 480 months old.  Trust me.  Maybe he needs some hair of the dog.  The parents should take him to a TGIFriday’s, order him a grape juice, and hope the kid gets served a Jägerbomb by "mistake".

The real problem here is these sweet drinks that the kids end up slurping down.  If they were drinking something sour or horrible in some other way they probably would stop before they got too drunk.  Of course even a 15 month old might want to pound some shots if his play date needed to be livened up.  Never mind that, though.  The point is that this type of mix-up would never happen with the Aquarius, our latest beverage.  The Aquarius is made from Scotch whisky, cherry brandy, and cranberry juice.   I guarantee that if you give this drink to anyone without ageusia they would fyucker at a minimum and possibly spit it on you. Fyucker is a word I just invented that means “to make the ‘who farted?’ face.”  Until now, this was known as “Beamering”. 







A minor fyucker
Image: bleacherreport.com



I can’t really describe how the Aquarius tasted.  Mrs. Bottle exclaimed “this is horrible” when she tried it.  I could only fyucker.   We’ve already established that Scotch sucks.  I’m starting to believe that cherry brandy sucks as well. We know that two wrongs don’t make a right and now we know that two sucks don’t make a right, either.

Overall Rating for Aquarius

Taste: 2

Presentation: 4

Ease of Preparation: 4

Drinks Until Blackout: 5 – 24% Alcohol

Ingredients

1.5 oz Scotch Whisky

0.5 oz Cherry Brandy

1 oz Cranberry Juice