Day 39: A Delicacy of Jimmies Robed in Frothy Cream



This looks a lot like yesterday's but
this one isn't terrible

It is Valentine’s Day and it is also the seventh and final day of Romance Week.  Today’s drink is the Lover’s Kiss, a cordial made with amaretto, cherry brandy, crème de cocoa (dark), and cream. Before we launched this blog I didn’t know there was such a thing as crème de cocoa so I was doubly surprised to learn that there were two different kinds.  They are the Ebony and Ivory of liqueurs.  The dark one turned out to be much thicker than the white and it had a richer chocolate flavor.  I am still talking about crème de cocoa.

The Lover’s Kiss drink also features cherry brandy and we used Clear Creek Distillery's Kirschwasser. According to their web site it has a "feline delicacy of cherry flavor robed in manageable spirit that plays like a string quartet".  First off, I don't know what the hell that even means.  Secondly, if I saw "feline delicacy" on a menu, I would reconsider where I chose to eat.  Finally, my feline isn't that delicate, unless pooping on the floor counts as delicate.  Where I come from, we consider it indelicate.  Regardless, we tried the Kirschwasser  straight and did not think it had a feline delicacy.   It mostly tasted like burning.

After tasting the Kirschwasser we had low expectations for this drink, but we were pleasantly surprised.  It had a nice chocolate flavor with a hint of cherry.  I don't know if the cherry flavor came from the Kirschwasser or from excess juice from the cherry garnish but either way it was a nice touch.  The maraschino cherry symbolizes the bright red lips of your lover, if your lover is a harlot. For the second straight night, our drink was topped with the widely acknowledged two most romantic foods: whipped cream and chocolate jimmies. Serve it in a champagne flute and your partner will know you have class.



I didn't have an idea for a second photo
so here is a bunny with a pancake on its head

 Originally I was going to recap the Romance Week 2011 drinks but considering that we already have a list, that would be repetitive.  Then I thought I could give some last minute romance tips, but all I really know is that you should listen to your partner, show her that you are thinking about her, and don't be an ass.  When are an ass anyway, apologize.  There is probably better advice, but that's all I got.  Anyway, by the time Valentine’s Day rolls around I would imagine most people are tired of reading romance tips the same way I am tired of stories about how busy the day is for florists, the magical powers of chocolate, or 10 ideas for a romantic gift.  It is the same crap recycled year after year by lazy writers.

We promise not to use those tactics during Romance Week 2012.

Overall Rating for the Lover’s Kiss

Taste: 3

Presentation: 4

Ease of Preparation: 3 - It is hard to get whipped cream into a champagne flute

Drinks Until Blackout: 6 – 18% alcohol

Romance Score: 4

Ingredients

.5 oz Amaretto

.5 oz Cherry-flavored Brandy

.5 oz Crème de Cocoa (Brown)

1 oz cream

Day 38: Fail-y Irish Cream

Romance Bear will be disappointed

While Mr. Bottle sleeps, Mrs. Bottle here to discuss today’s drink. The penultimate beverage from this week’s tribute to Romance is called Death by Chocolate. It is a mixture of crushed ice, Irish cream liqueur, Crème de Cocoa (the brown kind), vodka and chocolate ice cream. I have to admit that I was giddy with excitement about today’s drink and my expectations were soaring through the clouds. Bailey’s? Like it. Crème de Cocoa? Mmmm. Chocolate ice cream? Nom nom nom. Then my expectations jumped from the plane without a parachute.

First, I’d like to propose a new name for this drink. The ratio of Bailey’s to the rest of the ingredients actually resulted in a frozen concoction I’d like to call the Languishing Coma by Bailey’s. I thought I liked Bailey’s, but not when I expect to taste chocolate and I get nothing. Even the Cool Whip and chocolate jimmies on top couldn’t help much. This did not put me or Mr. Bottle in a very romantic mood. His first sip resulted in the subtle statement “I don’t like this at all”. While I agreed, I kept thinking it would get better if I mixed in all that Cool Whip and added even more jimmies. No such luck.

Relationships this special
are usually found in Tijuana

This led me to question my belief in the tastiness of Bailey’s. While I very much detest all alcohol websites for reasons others have already blogged about, I tentatively ventured to Bailey’s site. First, I give kudos to them for not adding some awful flash and loud music to their site. But I did learn that what makes Bailey’s so special is the Irish milk from the Irish cows that apparently are the happiest cows in the world. So many questions here: Who interviewed all the cows in the world? And how did they actually talk to all the cows? How do Irish cows know that it’s better in Ireland? Seems like if I were a cow, I’d prefer India. I also learned that the whiskey and the cream in Bailey’s have a special relationship. A “special” relationship?? This doesn’t sound romantic at all.

My recommendation: Get a chocolate milkshake and add vodka for a romantic relationship.

Overall Rating for Death By Chocolate

Taste: 2 - We signed up for some chocolate-y goodness not Bailey’s meh-ness
Presentation: 4 - Chocolate jimmies are worth at least a point
Ease of Preparation: 2 - Required a blender
Drinks Until Blackout: 10 – 7% alcohol
Romance Score: 2

Ingredients

1 oz Irish Cream Liqueur
.5 oz Crème de Cocoa (Dark)
.5 oz Vodka
1 scoop Chocolate Ice Cream

Day 37: Beaches and Prose

Romance Week continues and today we have Sex on the Beach, a favorite drink of 21 year-old college students.  It is a shooter made with vodka, black raspberry liqueur, melon liqueur, pineapple juice, and cranberry juice. This drink is pretty visually unappealing.  It looks a lot like dirty water.  The taste is what you might expect, a fruit bomb.  Mrs. Bottle thought the melon dominated the drink and for her that is a big minus.  I agreed that it had a very strong melon flavor, but I could also taste the pineapple juice.  The black raspberry and cranberry didn’t fight their way through at all and the vodka was completely undetectable. The absence of alcohol notes is another reason it is popular with 21 year-olds.

Romance Bear is presumptuous



Suave



Sex on the Beach scores pretty low on the romance scale as well.  As previously noted, shooters are not the epitome of class.  I have nothing against shooters in general, but you rarely see people having a quiet candlelight dinner ordering a round of Alabama Slammers.  You might hide an engagement ring in a champagne flute, but you would never put the ring in a shot glass unless you are confident in your Heimlich skills.  The name Sex on the Beach doesn’t ooze romance either.  We all know that romance can and should lead to physical love, but why be so overt?  There are places where such crassness is considered romantic, though.  These places are primarily in New Jersey.

If I were going to take the easy way out, this section would contain more cheap jokes about sex on the beach leading to sand where you don’t want it or being careful to look out for crabs, lol. Instead, we are going to answer a question I found on the web:

Has anyone had sex on the beach is it romantic?

Hey my name is Kandi and I'm 18 :-) I've been seeing this handsome guy for three months he is older 37. He wants to take me to the beach to have a romantic night together. I was thinking blankets, wine, dinner, and candles. Also can you get in trouble if anyone sees. The beach that we are going to usually has a lot of cops around I don't know why

Dear Kandi,

A) You should not have sex until you are married, otherwise you might get a reputation

B)  Is this beach in Dubai?  If so, you should pass.

C) It’s too bad you are already 18 or you could ditch that 37 year old for Mark Sanchez.  Maybe you could lie about your age.

D) You should skip the sex, you will get sand where you don’t want it.

Sincerely,

Mr. Bottle

Overall Rating for Sex on the Beach

Taste: 2
Presentation: 1
Ease of Preparation: 3
Drinks Until Blackout: 7 – 15% alcohol
Romance Score: 1

Ingredients

.5 oz Vodka
.5 oz Black Raspberry Liqueur
.5 oz Melon Liqueur
1 oz Pineapple Juice
.25 oz Cranberry Juice

Day 36: No Shirt, No Shoes, No Dice

It is day four of Romance Week and today we are trying something a little different, a hot drink.  Of the 35 drinks we have had so far, only one was hot.  Today’s drink is called the Hot Kiss and it is a mix of hot coffee, Irish whiskey, crème de menthe and crème de cocoa. To mark this special occasion, we actually purchased an Irish coffee glass.  We are nothing if not dedicated to producing the highest quality blog we can given our lack of talent.

Our Cup Runneth Over

Since it is romance week I feel like we should be dispensing some romantic advice.  In all modesty, there probably isn’t a better source on the planet than me, but “romance tips” articles are played out and I actually don’t know anything. Instead of droning on about fixing your girlfriend dinner or making her a mix tape, I thought our time would be better spent analyzing two recent romances in the news to see if we can learn anything. 

Doesn't see the problem

Let’s start with Mark Sanchez.  You may have heard that Mr. Sanchez has allegedly been “dating” a 17-year-old high school student. Some people might think that he is creepy for doing so, but I don’t. I’ve dated a few 17-year-old high school girls myself and really enjoyed it.  Of course I was 17 at the time.  Really, Mark’s only mistake is that he is 24.    Well that’s probably not his only mistake.  He probably should have asked her not to post about it on Facebook.  He could have mentioned it right after he plowed her field.  On FarmVille, that is.  I really hope the resultant media attention doesn’t sour their relationship or hurt her GPA. I’m not really worried about the impact on Sanchez’ career, because on the Jets his behavior qualifies as prudish.

I wouldn't be able to resist
(Image: Gawker)

Our next case study is (former) Congressman Christopher Lee (R-NY).  Mr. Lee resigned from Congress on Wednesday after it came out that he had apparently been soliciting dates on Craigslist.  This would have been fine if Mr. Lee wasn’t married.  Or if he was seeking only married women to date.  As far as I know, it isn’t cheating as long as all parties are married to someone.   His second mistake was sending a shirtless picture to some stranger.  That is no way to a lady's heart.  He should have sent a junk shot like everybody else, amiright?  I guess he is pretty fit and likes to show off the bod, but when I take shirtless pictures of myself in the mirror I usually go with a more casual pant.

I don't know if either Mr. Sanchez or Mr. Lee uses a Hot Kiss when wooing a potential mate, but it wouldn't hurt.  Unless, of course, it is served it to a minor.  Anyway, the drink was very good and moves into our top drink list.  The drink had a rich coffee flavor with nice mint and chocolate undertones.  It also scores well on the romance scale.  A nice Hot Kiss in front of a fireplace on a cold winter's night would certainly be welcomed by any right-thinking person.  A little whipped cream never hurts, either.  It is also good on the drink. The Hot Kiss was also garnished with a chocolate covered mint, but it sank to the bottom before we could take a picture.  It was a heart-shaped peppermint patty and it looked great for the 3 seconds it was visible.  A Junior Mint probably would have been a safer choice, if less attractive. 

If we have learned anything from the Hot Kiss, Mr. Lee, or Mr. Sanchez it is this: The legal age of consent in New York is 17.

Overall Rating for the Hot Kiss

Taste: 5

Presentation: 5

Ease of Preparation: 3

Drinks Until Blackout: 10  - Only 9% Alcohol

Romance Score: 5

Ingredients

1 oz Irish Whiskey

.5 oz Crème de Menthe

.5 oz Crème de Cocoa

6 oz Hot Coffee (we used 5.25 oz because that's what our coffee machine makes)

Day 35: It's All In a Name

This drink obeys the laws of physics

It’s day 3 of Romance Week and we bring you the Caribbean Romance.  It is made of light rum, amaretto, orange juice, pineapple juice, and grenadine.  It must be romantic since it has “romance” right in the name.  That is also how I know that Creation Science is real science.  Otherwise I would think it was a load of crap.

Mrs. Bottle would give the Caribbean Romance a perfect five.  I would only give it a four.  The key was the amaretto.  Mrs. Bottle thought it went really well with the juices but I thought it was a little strong.  If you are an amaretto fan you will probably enjoy it as much as she did, though.  It has a nice tropical flavor which was helped by using a freshly opened can of pineapple juice.  It was pointed out to us after a drink disaster that you should never store juice in a can once it has been opened.  I don’t believe anything I read on the Internet, so I verified it by finding some other links.

Besides rancid pineapple juice, there are other dangers associated with the Caribbean Romance.  The first is that if your spouse tastes it they might want to take a trip to the actual Caribbean.  Mrs. Bottle has now booked us a trip to Cancún.  That is not a joke.  This will turn into the most expensive drink to-date.  The second danger is that you might go insane trying to float grenadine on top as directed by the Mr. Boston guide.  This is our third time trying to float grenadine, each one a failure.  This time, I did some research and found out that it is actually impossible.  Grenadine has a specific gravity of 1.18.  The densest rum has a specific gravity of 1.06.  Therefore grenadine will not float on rum and the Mr. Boston instructions require us to defy the laws of physics.



Still can't float grenadine on rum

I suppose if you can pull that off, that will make the drink even more romantic, since defying the laws of physics is apparently  hot.  That is the only way I can explain the appeal of magicians.

Overall Rating for the Caribbean Romance

Taste: 4

Presentation: 4

Ease of Preparation: 3

Drinks Until Blackout: 7 - 15% alcohol

Romance Score: 5

Ingredients

1.5 oz Light Rum

1 oz Amaretto

1.5 oz Orange Juice

1.5 oz Pineapple Juice

1 splash Grenadine

Day 34: French Connection

Hot Stuff Indeed

I’ve learned pretty much everything I know about interacting with people from movies and television.  Don’t misread me, I have a fancy book-learnin’ education, too, but it hasn’t done me as much good in understanding the world around me as Hollywood has.  There is no way that organic chemistry taught me as much about attraction as Hugh Grant’s oeuvre.  The only place my media education has let me down is adult films.  You would be surprised at how little those apply in daily life.

One thing I have learned is that you can’t spell romance without France.  You can’t spell fromance without France either, but that is hardly relevant.  I have never been to France, but as frequently as it comes up in romantic movies I know that it must have something to offer in this regard.  It seems like Paris is the place to be.  From Ronin to the Bourne Identity, the City of Light leads to love as long you are not killed by a car chase or an assassin.  Just calling something French gives it a certain cachet and sets the mood.  Thus we present the French Martini, the second drink in Romance Week.

Now Super Romantic

The French Martini is vodka and black raspberry liqueur, making it a duo. The most famous black raspberry liqueur is Chambord. Chambord is a product of France and that is what gives the French Martini its name.  We made our French Martini using Chateau Monet Liqueur Framboise, which is a product of Maine.  At least it has a French sounding name and a fleur-de-lis on the bottle.  We did use Grey Goose French vodka, so we still could legitimately call it a French Martini.   The drink is quite good.  The black raspberry and vodka create a smooth tasting and nice looking cocktail.  I detected a little bit of an off-note in the finish, but I am attributing that to the 10 year old off-brand liqueur. Frugality is a key weapon in the romantic arsenal.

This drink does well in the romance department.  It is a martini and martini = class. It tastes good, which is better than tasting bad.  It has 30% alcohol. It is French.  This will help you in most cases, but in some circles call it a Freedom Martini just to be safe.


Overall Rating for the French Martini

Taste: 4
Presentation: 4
Ease of Preparation: 4
Drinks Until Blackout: 4
Romance Score: 5

Ingredients

1.5 oz Vodka
1 oz Black Raspberry Liqueur

Day 33: I Slit a Sheet

Ever since we did the Week of Cream, people have been clamoring for another theme week.   Since we are less than a week away from Anna Howard Shaw’s birthday, I was thinking about a week of drinks that would celebrate the women’s suffrage movement.  Drinks like the Betsy Ross, the Prohibition, and the Corpse Reviver would pay fine tribute.  While researching I learned that Ms Shaw was also active in the temperance movement.  Screw her, then.  We will do a week of romantic cocktails instead.  Welcome to Romance Week 2011.

Romance Bear's Hunny Pot

Our first drink of Romance Week is the Between the Sheets, a shooter composed of brandy, light rum, triple sec, and lemon juice.  It was invented by Harry MacElhone at the New York Bar in Paris sometime in the 1930’s.  MacElhone also invented the Bloody Mary, making him the Thomas Edison of mixology.  Edison may have invented the light bulb, the phonograph, and motion pictures, but MacElhone gave us the Monkey Gland, so as inventors I will call them even. Oh man, a Monkey Gland would really hit the spot right about now.

The Between the Sheets is made with brandy.  Since neither Mrs. Bottle nor I had ever had brandy before we had to do a little reading up.  In the process we learned that Cognac just brandy that is produced in Cognac, France.  Just like squares and rectangles, all Cognac is brandy, but not all brandy is Cognac.  One of the more famous Cognacs is Courvoisier, the favorite brand of Leon Phelps, the Ladies Man, one of the most romantic men on the planet.  If the Ladies Man loves Cognac, it will certainly make a romantic cocktail.



She also found it too sour. Or not.



We tasted our Cognac straight before mixing in the drink. It tasted quite a bit like whiskey, but it was smoother and had a richer mouth feel.  Since whiskey drinks haven’t done well for us, I got a bit nervous.  It turns out that I found the drink quite pleasant.  The Cognac really blended nicely with the rum and triple sec but it was a bit tart due to the lemon juice.   Mrs. Bottle thought it was too sour.  Some other recipes for the Between the Sheets call for simple syrup to be added so that would have made it better for her.

As far as the romantic qualities, it has Cognac, so that is a plus.  It is kind of sour, so that is a potential minus. It is named Between the Sheets, which isn’t particularly romantic especially if your mind turns to bedbugs.  And finally, it is a shooter, which isn’t romantic at all.  On the upside, it is over 20% alcohol, and we all know that can lead to romance.  It did not for us.

Overall Rating for the Between the Sheets

Taste: 3 - I might give it a 4, but Mrs. Bottle would never.
Presentation: 3 

Ease of Preparation: 4

Drinks Until Blackout: 6 - Stick to less if you want romance

Romance Score: 2

Ingredients

.5 oz Brandy

.5 oz Light Rum

.5 oz Triple Sec

1 oz Lemon Juice