Drink 161: Three Minutes to Wapner

If you look closely
you can catch a glimpse
of the mysterious Mr. Bottle

Before we get to today’s drink the Rain Man we must make some corrections to our last post.  First, and this is embarrassing, we inadvertently called the Drink with Jerry blog Drinking with Jerry.  That is a horrible mistake and we apologize sincerely.  I hope Jerry didn’t kill himself because he made the same error.  The second correction is that Jerry is not dead.  He was nice enough to comment on yesterday’s post and we hope he resumes his blog soon.  Technically this isn’t a correction since we did not say he was dead, just that we like to imagine that he was dead.  In fairness, I often like to imagine certain people are dead. It is a fun way to pass the time.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s get back to the Rain Man, a mix of 151-proof rum, melon liqueur, and orange juice.  The drink was not bad as long as you can deal with melon liqueur.  That ingredient constituted only 1/8 the volume of the drink but 7/8 of the flavor.  The orange and rum combined to level the melon out enough that Mrs. Bottle and I both liked it even though she isn’t a melon liqueur fan.  We didn’t even allow its putrid presentation to put us off.  The only thing that slowed us down was concern about the 151 rum.

This is to remind you of the 151 warnings.
We in no way used this picture again because
we were too lazy to come up with something else

We have already covered the dangers of 151 rum but there is one warning they left off the label: overstating drink power.  Upon tasting the Rain Man Mrs. Bottle repeatedly mentioned that she could feel a tingle in her nose due to the powerful 151.  She must have said it 10 or 20* times.  What she didn’t realize is that the overall strength of the drink was the same as our previous drink, 19% alcohol.  She didn’t comment about how the Peter Pan burned her nose, though.  Clearly the 151 triggered some kind of psychological response.  When Mrs. Bottle reads this I suspect it will also trigger a psychological response.  I can’t help that, I must report the truth.

* All figures approximate

Overall Rating for the Rain Man

Taste: 4

Presentation: 2

Ease of Preparation: 4

Drinks Until Blackouts: 7 – 19% Alcohol

Ingredients

1.25 oz 151-proof Rum

.75 oz Melon Liqueur

4 oz Orange Juice

Drink 154: Crocodile Rocked

The flamingo straw
was not explicitly
specified but we felt
it was a nice touch

So after missing my regularly scheduled post, Mrs. Bottle is finally here to talk about Sunday’s drink. On Tuesday. Just so you don’t think I was being lazy and not properly devoted to all eleven of you readers out there, let me give a brief background on what happened. You may remember that we recently added two kittens to the household count. This has nothing to do with them but it has everything to do with our 13 year old cat, Mrs. Fatty Needs-A-Lot McCrankyPants (Mrs. FNM for short - formerly known as Bottle Wonderland Cat). She got a little sickly last week and after picking her up from the vet, turns out she has developed an even pickier palate than she already had. After turning her nose up at her normal prescription food that costs half of TBIAW estate’s mortgage payment, Mr. Bottle went in search of any food that might interest her taste buds. The result was that I spent most of Sunday sorting through a bag of Friskies Surfin’ Turfin’ Favorites picking out the pink fishies and brown drumsticks for her to eat from our hands every few hours. This was in between playing referee while Mr. Bottle wrestled her to the ground to force pills and syringes of medicine down her throat. But we are determined to get Mrs. FNM back to her normal finicky but still eating self.

Found some!

And speaking of finicky taste buds, let’s talk about today’s drink. The Crocodile Cooler is made with citrus-flavored vodka, melon liqueur, triple sec, simple syrup, lemon juice and lemon-lime soda. I was a little skeptical because of the melon liqueur, but it turned out to be quite tasty and the Bottle’s delicate taste buds were singing. In fact, we even had a guest try it who we’ll call Mrs. Older-than-Mrs. Bottle. This is what she gets for not reading the blog. Anyway, even though Mrs. OTMB also doesn’t like melon liqueur, she did enjoy the drink as well. Luckily for her I didn’t make her sort out the melon liqueur from the rest of the drinks and then serve it to me from her hand.

Overall Rating for the Crocodile Cooler

Taste: 5

Presentation: 5 – Extra points for not being the real color of a crocodile

Ease of Preparation: 4 – Lots of ingredients or it would rate a 5

Drinks Until Blackout: 10 – 11% Alcohol

Ingredients

1.5 oz Citrus-flavored Vodka

1 oz Melon Liqueur

0.75 oz Triple Sec

1 oz Simple Syrup

1 oz Lemon Juice

Lemon-Lime Soda

Drink 139: Ice, Ice, Melty

Despite the book's
insistence, we do not
own a parfait glass

Mrs. Bottle here on a gorgeous Sunday morning to discuss today’s lucky drink of the day. The winning drink is the Frozen Citron Neon which is made with citrus-flavored vodka, melon liqueur, blue Curaçao, lime juice, lemon juice and simple syrup. A veritable bevy of ingredients that Mr. Bottle and I both thought was pretty tasty. Since it’s been quite hot lately (yesterday registered 183 degrees on my internal thermometer), it seemed appropriate to have what Mr. Boston calls a “FROZEN drink”.

Let me digress for a few moments about frozen drinks. I do like a nice icy concoction on a hot summer’s day, even the non-alcoholic kind. My one issue with these drinks that are made with crushed ice and blended into a smooth consistency is that they really don’t get to that smooth consistency unless everything melts before you finish. Take a Starbucks Frappucino. It’s all yummy with the coffee flavor and syrupy goodness until you get close to the end. Then it’s all bland ice with coffee-flavored remnants because those big chunky ice bits can’t get up the straw and they’re left behind to wallow in watered down coffee mixture. I have actually resorted to a system for drinking my Fraps where I take 2.75 hours to consume each one so any big chunks have melted. This means that at the end I’m just drinking iced coffee so maybe I should just order those from now on. Anyway, just take this whole diatribe and apply to any frozen drink, especially if you hate coffee.

That’s a nice segue into the next part of today’s story. From the picture you can tell that the name of this drink was pretty accurate. Neon, it is. But when I think of neon, it takes me back to one of the best cars ever made in America. That’s right, the Dodge Neon. Sadly, Chrysler stopped making the Neon on September 23, 2005 and I don’t think there’s been a nicer looking car made since then. Except maybe the Aston Martin Vanquish. It’s almost too close to call because the Neon is one unique automobile. Plus, apparently you can do quite a lot to a Neon to make it even snazzier.

"Snazzy" is the first word that comes to mind when I see this
img: automotive-insight.net

And speaking of snazzy, I would definitely recommend the Frozen Citron Neon. It’s got a great color and is one super cool drink. Pun totally intended.

Overall Rating for the Frozen Citron Neon

 

Taste: 4

Presentation: 5

Ease of Preparation: 3

Drinks Until Blackout: 11 – 8% Alcohol if you wait for all the ice to melt

Ingredients

1½ oz Citrus-flavored Vodka

1 oz Melon Liqueur

½ oz Blue Curaçao

½ oz Lime Juice

½ oz Lemon Juice

½ oz Simple Syrup

Drink 137: Worst. Post. Evar.

Oooh, Johnny

The Johnny on the Beach is a mix of vodka, melon liqueur, black raspberry liqueur, pineapple juice, orange juice, grapefruit juice, and cranberry juice.  It is the same as the Sex on the Beach with the addition of the orange and grapefruit juices.  The taste was pretty much the same as the SotB as well:  A melon-dominated fruit bomb.  It is late and I have already had two margaritas so here endeth the post. 

Overall Rating for the Johnny on the Beach

Taste: 3

Presentation: 1

Ease of Preparation: 1

Drinks Until Blackout: 7 – 18% Alcohol

Ingredients

¾ oz Vodka

½ oz Melon Liqueur

½ oz Black Raspberry Liqueur

¼ oz Pineapple Juice

¼ oz Orange Juice

¼ oz Grapefruit Juice

¼ oz Cranberry Juice

Drink 121: Drink Named Like a Lady

This looked a bit greener than the
picture shows. Mrs. Bottle thought
it looked like pea soup.

Let me get the boring drink review out of the way first. Once that’s over with we can talk about something funny, cool, and/or interesting.  The drink is the Shady Lady, a combination of tequila, melon liqueur, and grapefruit juice.  It was just kind of so-so, with a bit of an odd taste.  It could be that melon liqueur doesn’t really complement grapefruit juice.  Or it could be that months-old Donald Duck brand grapefruit juice is not the best.  Whatever the reason, it didn’t taste like something I would want to drink again and it was a relief to finish it.  It is also a relief that we are done with that section of today’s post and we can now continue with something more engaging.

Overall Rating for the Shady Lady

Taste: 3

Presentation: 4

Ease of Preparation: 4 – Two garnishes?  That is a one point deduction

Drinks Until Blackout: 9 –  11% Alcohol

Ingredients

1 oz Tequila

1 oz Melon Liqueur

4 oz Grapefruit Juice

Day 76: Goober ‘til the Last Drop

This is about half a Goober

Last night started off pretty chill at the Bottle Wonderland Estate.  I was parked on the couch watching television trying to relax after an exhausting session of Angry Birds.  Mrs. Bottle was heating up some food in the kitchen.  Then suddenly everything changed.  Mrs. Bottle started assembling bottle after bottle of liquor, liqueur, and fruit juice on the counter.  She frantically pulled dozens of glasses out the cabinet, proclaiming each one more worthless than the prior. She started eyeballing our cocktail shaker with a look of concern and then finally threw up her hands in disgust and shouted “why me, why me?!?!”  I am used to that yell each year on our wedding anniversary, but it seemed oddly out of place last night.

Why the kerfuffle?  It was all because of our next drink, the Goober.  The Goober is a mix of vodka, black raspberry liqueur, melon liqueur, triple sec, grenadine, pineapple juice, and orange juice.  That is lot of ingredients. That is also a lot of volume.  13.5 ounces to be exact.  That is ridiculously large for a beverage not served via drive-through window or convenience store.  We didn’t have a single glass large enough to hold 13.5 ounces.  Unless of course you count our margarita glasses or our massive stadium cup collection or our flower vases, but none of those would be appropriate for a drink as sophisticated as the Goober.  It was also a lot more than our cocktail shaker could hold.  We had to bust out our decorative shaker, but those are the types of sacrifices we make for our art.

Look at the size of that thing!

Once we had filled the shaker with the cornucopia of liquids, it was time to shake it.  Last year at this time Mrs. Bottle might not have been able to lift such a heavy drink, but she has been using her shake weight religiously for months. This gave her the proper upper body strength and technique necessary for a good mix.  The shaking must have worked because the Goober turned out to be very good.  For me the tastes that were most prevalent were the melon liqueur and the orange juice.  Mrs. Bottle thought the raspberry liqueur was the star.  Either way, it was pretty fruity.  Not there’s anything wrong with that.  The one thing neither of us tasted was a goober pea, leaving us slightly confused about the drink’s name. We didn’t let that stop us from downing the whole thing, though.

Overall Rating for the Goober

 

Taste: 4

Presentation: 5

Ease of Preparation: 1

Drinks Until Blackout: 10 – 10% alcohol.  You’ll never get there, though, since that would be a gallon of Goober

Ingredients

1.5 oz Vodka

1.5 oz Black Raspberry Liqueur

1.5 oz Melon Liqueur

1 oz Triple Sec

1 oz Grenadine

3 oz Pineapple Juice

4 oz Orange Juice

Day 37: Beaches and Prose

Romance Week continues and today we have Sex on the Beach, a favorite drink of 21 year-old college students.  It is a shooter made with vodka, black raspberry liqueur, melon liqueur, pineapple juice, and cranberry juice. This drink is pretty visually unappealing.  It looks a lot like dirty water.  The taste is what you might expect, a fruit bomb.  Mrs. Bottle thought the melon dominated the drink and for her that is a big minus.  I agreed that it had a very strong melon flavor, but I could also taste the pineapple juice.  The black raspberry and cranberry didn’t fight their way through at all and the vodka was completely undetectable. The absence of alcohol notes is another reason it is popular with 21 year-olds.

Romance Bear is presumptuous



Suave



Sex on the Beach scores pretty low on the romance scale as well.  As previously noted, shooters are not the epitome of class.  I have nothing against shooters in general, but you rarely see people having a quiet candlelight dinner ordering a round of Alabama Slammers.  You might hide an engagement ring in a champagne flute, but you would never put the ring in a shot glass unless you are confident in your Heimlich skills.  The name Sex on the Beach doesn’t ooze romance either.  We all know that romance can and should lead to physical love, but why be so overt?  There are places where such crassness is considered romantic, though.  These places are primarily in New Jersey.

If I were going to take the easy way out, this section would contain more cheap jokes about sex on the beach leading to sand where you don’t want it or being careful to look out for crabs, lol. Instead, we are going to answer a question I found on the web:

Has anyone had sex on the beach is it romantic?

Hey my name is Kandi and I'm 18 :-) I've been seeing this handsome guy for three months he is older 37. He wants to take me to the beach to have a romantic night together. I was thinking blankets, wine, dinner, and candles. Also can you get in trouble if anyone sees. The beach that we are going to usually has a lot of cops around I don't know why

Dear Kandi,

A) You should not have sex until you are married, otherwise you might get a reputation

B)  Is this beach in Dubai?  If so, you should pass.

C) It’s too bad you are already 18 or you could ditch that 37 year old for Mark Sanchez.  Maybe you could lie about your age.

D) You should skip the sex, you will get sand where you don’t want it.

Sincerely,

Mr. Bottle

Overall Rating for Sex on the Beach

Taste: 2
Presentation: 1
Ease of Preparation: 3
Drinks Until Blackout: 7 – 15% alcohol
Romance Score: 1

Ingredients

.5 oz Vodka
.5 oz Black Raspberry Liqueur
.5 oz Melon Liqueur
1 oz Pineapple Juice
.25 oz Cranberry Juice

Day 32: Broken Dreams

If you squint you
can see some green

Today’s drink is the Tikki Dream, a mix of cranberry juice and melon liqueur. There is only ¾ of an ounce of melon liqueur in it, though, so we really don’t see the point.  It probably shouldn't even qualify for this blog. We have one close friend who doesn’t drink and even she thinks there isn’t enough alcohol in a Tikki Dream.  If you have a hankering for a Tikki Dream, just have a glass of cranberry juice and then drink a shot of Listerine.  You will get the health benefits of the juice, more alcohol, and your breath will be minty fresh.  That is a real win-win-win.

The recipe called for a wedge of watermelon as garnish.  We know that this is supposed to be because of the melon liquer and that the ingredients are red and green like a watermelon. How incredibly clever. We know that the real reason is to distract you from the fact that someone just served you a drink that contains only 0.2 oz. of alcohol.  You would get more alcohol in a vanilla Coke.  Well you would if you made it with vanilla extract.  It is also hard to think of a garnish more detrimental to the ease of drinkability than a wedge of watermelon.  I suggest a cactus. 



This has more melon than a Tikki Dream

Once you get past the fact that you are essentially drinking a glass of cranberry juice, the Tikki Dream actually tasted quite good.  The melon liqueur added a nice amount of sweetness to the tart juice. The sugar-rimmed glass was also helpful in that regard.  As far as presentation, it pretty much looks like a glass of cranberry juice and there is nothing wrong with that.  Maybe this drink is okay after all.  Now that I think about it, perhaps our complaints about the Tikki Dream are out of proportion.  Just like the alcohol content of the drink.

Overall Rating for the Tikki Dream

Taste: 3
Presentation: 2  - Don't know if the watermelon would help or hurt
Ease of Preparation: 3 - Rimming is hard
Drinks Until Blackout: 27 - 4% alcohol

Ingredients

4.25 oz Cranberry Juice
.75 oz Melon Liqueur

Day 30: Pineapple Upside-Down Drink



Perfectly Floated Grenadine

Today's drink the Jamaican Crawler is rum, melon liqueur, and pineapple juice with a grenadine sink.  The recipe actually calls for a grenadine float, but for some reason we can’t make that work.  Mrs. Bottle poured the grenadine over the back of the spoon just as directed, but it immediately sank to the bottom, like so many of our hopes and dreams.  We didn’t bother trying again like we did with the Angel’s Tip since this drink was more than half an ounce.  Brian Flanagan would be so disappointed in us. 

As I usually do before putting something new into my mouth, I took a big whiff first.  The smell was unpleasant.  This is usually a bad sign but it didn’t stop me from trying it; it probably should have.  The drink tasted like bad fish.  “This is horrible!” I said to Mrs. Bottle, “you try it”.  She replied, “It’s still not as bad as the Canal Street Daisy.”  She agreed it was bad but didn’t agree with me that it tasted like fish.  She thought it was overwhelmingly melon.  She probably would have liked a fish drink more than a melon one.  Mrs. Bottle is not a fan of melon flavored things.  Her distaste for them doesn’t quite burn with the intensity of 1,000 suns, but it as least as fiery as one sun.  If it was partially cloudy that day.



Perfectly Floated Poseidon



I thought there was actually something wrong with the drink other than the sunken grenadine and I suspected it was the pineapple juice.  I thought it might have gone bad.  We determined that the can had been open since the last time there was pineapple in one of our drinks.  If only we had kept some kind of journal or log of our tastings we could figure it out.  It turns out that the pineapple juice was opened on January 17^th, over 2 weeks ago.  Mrs. Bottle had her doubts it could have turned in that time, but I was convinced so we prepared another Jamaican Crawler, this time a half portion. I thought this one was much better than before. 

Mrs. Bottle still thought it sucked.

Overall Rating for the Jamaican Crawler

Taste: 1 if it tastes like fish, 2 if it tastes like melon, 3 if you like fish and melon

Ease of Preparation: 3

Presentation: 4
Drinks until blackout: 7 – 13% alcohol

Ingredients:

1 oz Light Rum
1 oz Melon Liqueur
3 oz Pineapple Juice

1 splash Grenadine

Day 17: It’s Not Easy Being Midori

Not Radioactive

Shooters are fun.  When you are out with friends and someone brings over a tray of shooters, everyone gets excited because they know things are about to get crunk.  With their often sweet and fruity flavor and the ban of Four Loko, shooters also provide the easiest way for non-drinkers to get drunk fast.  Ed. Note: The writers of The Bottle is a Wonderland do not condone excessive drinking. Or underage drinking. Please enjoy responsibly. The Bottle is a Wonderland is produced in a facility that processes tree nuts.

Even when a shooter tastes horrible, you can usually choke it down since it is compact.  If you currently have trouble swallowing something unpleasant, you should learn how to do it, since it is an important life skill.  Luckily with our latest drink, the Green Demon, that skill doesn’t need to be deployed.  Its combination of vodka, rum, melon liqueur, and lemonade tastes pretty good.  We learned that the taste is affected by the way you drink it, though.  If you sip it, you get melon flavor with a strong alcohol finish.  If you shoot it (the way FSM intended), you just get the melon flavor without the alcohol finish. As a bonus, the bright green color is pretty boss.

WWFSMD? Shoot it!

When I saw that the Green Demon used melon liqueur, my mind started racing.  Surely there would be lots of interesting things to write about Midori, the most recognizable melon liqueur. I might observe that “midori” means “green” in Japanese and sarcastically praise the company for such a clever name and mention that I was looking forward to trying their grape liqueur, Purple.  Since Midori is a product of Suntory, I could link to the great Bill Murray’s Suntory commercial from Lost in Translation. I might pretend to be confused as to why a violinist has her own liqueur and hilarity would ensue.  With all of these ideas swirling, I went to the liquor cabinet only to find DeKuyper’s Melon liqueur. 

I couldn’t use any of those ideas. I was so sick I turned midori.

Overall Rating:

Taste: 3 – It is very close to a 4

Ease of Preparation: 4

Presentation: 5

Drinks until blackout: 5 – About 27% alcohol

Ingredients:

.5 oz Vodka

.5 oz Rum

.5 oz Midori Melon Liqueur

.5 oz Lemonade